Friday, July 1, 2011

One July Goal

I've been away for a while. A long while.

Whenever one of my regular bloggie friends whom I read takes a hiatus, I like to imagine that life is going swimmingly for them; that they are too busy having fun to stop and write about it on a computer, for crying out loud! I like to think that the opposite isn't true.

In my case, the opposite was true.

It's been a trying couple months, filled with court appearances and restraining orders and other such horrible things that you never wish to have in your life. It's been sucky. And it's not over yet. Far from it.

To think that just 3 months ago, I was bemoaning how boring my life was and how I needed to shake things up a bit. This is not what I meant.

When I started blogging, way back when, it was a way to find my way out from a different life crisis. (Which seems oh-so-quaint and manageable now) At the time it seemed much more pressing.

I had lost myself. I had no idea who I was anymore. I felt like I no longer had a voice. So I started this silly little blog to just write something...anything....until I found my voice and myself again.

Plus, I discovered that between blogging and marathon training, my insomnia went away and I felt like a person. (If you want to feel like anything, feeling like a person is a good start!)

In the past two months, insomnia has returned. Exercise and tri training has evaporated. I've been cranky as hell. My food choices are in the toilet. And I'm a caffeine addict again.

And now it's July. July 1st to be exact, which has always felt like more of the beginning of summer, up in New England. Especially with the rainy June we had this year. So maybe it can be a beginning of another sort.

Once again, I find myself at the keyboard, humble and just looking to say something...anything... to make me feel like a person again. To make me feel like me again.

I, the poster of goals, the maker of lists, the assigner of "days" to "themes" (Tuesday's bad dates, Thursday's bad cooking, Friday's wrap up, Monday's charity) have but one purpose this July: Just be here. Just write something. Just pull myself kicking back up from the depths, back to the surface where I can breathe.

'Cause if you can't breathe, you can't laugh.

And laughing is what makes you feel like less of a person and more of a goddess.


Amy - the gazelle said...

I looked up your blog the other day because I was concerned that my google reader was doing something wrong & noticed you hadn't posted in a while. I was hoping you were just having a great, busy summer.

I'm sorry that wasn't the case, but I hope things look up from here. Internet hugs & support from Oregon.

lclarey said...

Glad to see you back and wishing you well.

Anonymous said...

I'm just glad to see you're back online! Rather missed ya. :)

I hope the suck doesn't last too much longer. Insomnia is never a good thing, being as it's usually attached to many, many other stressors. My best wishes to you, and I hope the light is visible at the end of the tunnel.