Ideal Environment

Week Four of The Artists Way asks you to imagine your ideal environment. What is your dream space?

Unlike many I know, my ideal home is not a giant mansion; nothing they do shows about on HGTV. I just would like my own little nest, a nook I can cozy up in.

Something small and simple. Easy to maintain. Spots for my stuff, but nothing flashy. 

A cute little cottage

Or cabin

Or yurt!

'Cause living indoors makes me miss the stars

Wouldn't it be great to camp forever, yet still be cozy?

Maybe what I really want is this:

Oh, how can I expected to settle in one environment when adventure calls?

The Artist's Way -- Week Two

Chapter two of The Artist's Way is titled "Recovering a Sense of Identity." Most of the exercises involve looking at your life, figuring out where your time is going, listing things you enjoy doing, looking at the last time you did those things you enjoy, etc. Basically, examining whether your life truly reflects who you are as a person deep down.

It's rather hard to apply this when your life is presently in transition, as mine is and have no job, as I don't. Then again, it's kind of fun, to see how many of those things you can fit in when you have all the time in the world. (Excepting the job searching time. The party's gotta end sometime!)

One exercise that's kind of fun:

If you had 5 other lives to live, what would you do in each of them?

1) A Dive Master: I really do enjoy scuba diving. I have both basic certification and advanced certification, but I did not continue past there, since I was intimidated by the dive rescue aspect of the class. I'm pretty secure in the first aid aspect of the rescuer course, but the scuba equipment is really heavy! I can barely haul myself up onto a boat after a dive, never mind hauling somebody else with all their wet gear onto a boat when they were injured.

Now I know that I would not be doing everything all by myself. At the very least, there are two staff members on any dive boat, plus the other divers who could assist. I would be able to take care of anything I needed to take care of with teamwork.

In my other imaginary life, I'd be living on a Caribbean island, diving every day.

2) A Travel Writer: I love to travel. I LOVE to travel! I can imagine traveling around the world to different countries and writing about it. Exploring cathedrals and museums, hiking and biking through the country side, staying in quaint bed and breakfasts, and writing about it. Putting together possible itineraries for travelers who enjoy active vacations or tasting local flavor. How fantastic would that be?

3) Professional Organizer: Believe it or not, organizing things is something I really like to do. It's nice to create order out of chaos. I like categorizing things, putting them together, and placing them in nice little decorative containers so they can be easily retrieved. It's a good thing I like this, too, since I'm cleaning out my parent's garage right now and its quite a task.

4) Personal Trainer Extraordinaire: Of course. Of course this is on the list. I love working out. I'm constantly evaluating friends' and family members' workout programs and tweaking them to make them either more effective or less likely to cause injury. I could totally do this for a livelihood.

5) Outward Bound Instructor: I had to quit my job in order to hike for 5 months. What if hiking for 5 months was my job? Taking people out into the wilderness and introducing them to the joys of nature? Teaching people the ins and outs of packing a backpack, putting up a tent, cooking on a camp stove, planning menus for trips? How about climbing, rappelling, negotiating rocks and roots, fording streams. Finding water sources. The principles of Leave No Trace camping. Of course, it would involve a lot of responsibility. But man oh man! To be outside all day every day for your job. I can think of nothing better!

The Artists Way: Week One

The Artist's Way is a 12 week program aimed at increasing creativity in your life. I've gone through the program in the past (posting on this very blog) with some good results. The process forces you to do a lot of soul searching and reflecting (which I honestly thought I would do a lot more of thru hiking for 5 months, but I actually just thought about food) so the end result is not only a more creative life, but a more self aware you. Both good things.

Week One: Recovering A Sense of Safety. This chapter, like all the rest, has a series of exercises to complete. Chapter one focuses quite a bit on looking into your past and identifying "enemies of your creativity" (like your best friend's brother who secretly taped the two of you dancing around in your pajamas and singing Madonna and then showed it to all of his friends) as well as "champions of your creativity" (like your second grade teacher who entered your "tall tale" assignment into the Scholastic Writing Challenge and got you free books from their monthly mailer for a whole year!)

What struck me about this week is how often the "enemies of your creativity" and "champions of your creativity" are one person, one in the same. How oftentimes, those close to you, who love you and want to keep you safe, offer encouragement and words of praise when you are engaging in activities that they deem proper. Yet the very same people discourage you when the activities are of a more threatening nature. Those closest to you so often try to steer you in a direction that makes them feel safer.

"Oh, you write so well," they'll say, "why don't you see if you can write instruction manuals." Or, "You always have such creative ideas when we exercise together. You should teach exercise classes - to elderly people in nursing homes." Definite encouraging words, but set within specific boundaries. Please spread your wings -- but don't fly too high.

What I came to understand is that the boundaries set by these friends and family members have very little to do with me, they are more a reflection of their own fears. Too often, we try to make ourselves fit into a mold that was never meant to contain us all in order to make others feel safe. We end up playing small so as not to rock the boat.

The key is in learning to appreciate the love and concern that your loved ones have for you, but following your dreams nonetheless. Knowing that your "champions" want the best for you, it's easier to stop playing small. Nobody is at their best playing small, no matter how well intentioned it is. Only by being true to yourself and sharing your unique talents can you have the best for yourself.

Yeah, pretty heavy stuff there. But all the best stuff is!

completion of artists way

I haven't posted on the Artists Way journey since March 7 on the blog, mainly because I had been doing those posts on Friday, and for two of the past three weeks, I've been at all day classes on Friday. Last Friday, I had a gigantic to-do list to make up for the previous two Fridays' errands.

But though I hadn't been posting, I was trudging through it. I say trudging because that's what March felt like to me: a long, arduous, uphill trudge. Usually February is the month in which I hit that wall. This year, it was March.

Everything felt like a struggle in March. Work, working out, cleaning, journaling, even going to see family and friends seemed like an obligation. It could've been partly because I overcommitted myself, with two back-to-back-entire-weekend-long-classes. But I think it's also because I was so ready for spring to be here. I've noticed that since I moved back to New England: the seasonal affective disorder type melancholy is back, as well. I never seemed to have that on the west coast, not even when I lived in Oregon. (It may be overcast, but it's not as cold and wintery there)

In any case, I had been dragging with the artist way thing. I've always had a bit of a struggle with the "think of yourself as an artist" thing. I tend to think: "I can write" or "I can make people laugh". But in terms of labels, I think of myself as a "healer" first and an "athlete" second, with "artist" or "writer" coming in a very distant third.

I had been ruminating on the idea of life as an artist date and the ultimate work of art. But then again, maybe that's a cop out? Julia Cameron spends a lot of time talking about syncronicity, an idea I'm not sure I fully embrace. And then last week, syncronicity showed up and smacked me upside the head.

I was at a holistic health conference and one of the books on the recommended reading list was The Artist's Way. The idea of healing as an art, not a science, kept popping up. And then, right in the middle of day two, I had this incredible breakthrough while the instructor was talking about soy and I was bouncing on a theraball in the back of the room.

TAW spends a lot of time working on "blocks" that keep you from realizing your full potential as an artist. Maybe they were disapproving parents or english teachers who embarassed you in front of the class or maybe a spouse who told you that you were irresponsible. Mid-bounce on the theraball, I realized --BAM -- that my March stagnation in...every aspect of my life, was, in fact, a block.

And just as I had been slogging through, working on "artist blocks", I need to work on "life blocks", as well. How can I expect to be successful in one area while I am completely blocked in another? (and be healthy and balanced)

So though March was an arduous month, maybe it was, in fact, something I needed to slog through in order to get to the point where I am, now.

Life may be the ultimate work of art. Just look at Henry David Thoreau.

I got a long way to go before I get even close, though.

the artist way (week 9)

As I have been moving through the Artists Way book, the same thing happened that has happened every other time I attempted this journey: I become stalled between weeks 8 and 9. I kind of...stop doing it. Interestingly enough, at the same time, I kind of became stalled in many other areas: the purging of the clutter, the eating healthy plan, the exercise regime. So while I tried (and failed) to do the exercises in the back of the book, it occurred to me that I need to sit down and figure out exactly what is holding me back.

Here's the deal: I start things, I get going along pretty well, and then when things really start taking off, I lose interest. I abandon the goal altogether. Or I set it aside for a while only to pick it up again last minute and scramble around to finish. What's the deal?

Oh, it would be pretty easy at this point to just pull up the "goals" from February and comment on how I didn't accomplish a few things. And list my excuses. I got a lot of them. Some of them actually legitimate. Like, how I got sick this month. And how I'm exercising more and that takes more time. And I have a lot of work projects. But today I read something in a magazine. It said: People often flee from taking responsibility because its such a big task. After a point, they become afraid because they are running. And here I was, thinking that I was running toward something, not away.

So though I didn't do any of the tasks this week, I decided to face a task that I have apparently been running from. Why have I been avoiding...the dreaded storage area?

I've been moving through the apartment, cleaning and purging without problem. Cleaning and purging with great success. But I keep avoiding the storage area. I actually get a little nauseous thinking of it. And this week, when I decided I was going to DO IT, I blindly grab something on my way in: "I'll get rid of this. I'll get rid of that." No cleaning, organizing or conscious decision making.

Exactly WHAT am I so scared of down there? Fleeces? I got way more fleeces than I need. I should be able to choose which ones I don't want without a problem. Extra boxes? (for some reason, I hang on to boxes irrationally) If I got rid of every last box and suddenly needed more, I could get them at a store. Shoes? I don't have alot, but I could certainly do with less. Camping gear? Camping gear.

I haven't gone camping in the longest time. Not REAL camping, like hiking out into the middle of nowhere carrying everything on your back. I don't really have a lot of friends anymore who like to camp like that. I used to camp a lot. With M. Back when I thought that life was perfect.

But I'm totally over M. I am! This cannot be about M. It's been so long since the breakup. I am so past it! Aren't I?

There's just so much uncertainty now. Part of me is excited about uncertainty. Part of me loves it. But part of me want to hang on to the past. Part of me feels like if I let go of the past, I'll be losing a part of myself. Maybe an important part of myself. And that would be sad.

And maybe I'm hanging onto...the fleece that I wore when we spent that great Sunday in Golden Gate Park even though I don't really wear it anymore and its ripped. Or enough boxes so I could pack up and go at a moment's notice. Even though I'm not planning on going at a moment's notice.

And maybe that's why I've been sabotaging myself in so many areas.

But let's face it: hanging onto boxes or fleeces, failing to exercise or eat right, and abandoning a project isn't going to bring the past back. It's not going to make tiny little feelings for M nonexistent. It's only going to make me less likely to complete the things I wish to accomplish.

So now...I'm off to purge some fleece.

the artist way: week 8

This week in the Artist's Way journey, there's a lot of time dedicated to looking at early patterning: what you were allowed to do and weren't allowed to do as a child, your parents, siblings, teachers attitudes toward your creative endeavors, and where along the way you were either encouraged or discouraged. This was actually a particularly difficult week for me, not because my childhood was unhappy, but because my childhood was great!

I'm very, very lucky that way. I grew up in the suburbs in the 70's, before there were malls on every corner; back when you could jump on your bike in the morning and just go, as long as you were home when the streetlights came on. My dad was always working (except when he was injured at work. But that was better; he was home to see us all day!) My mom didn't work until we were all in school and then she was able to work "mother's hours": she saw us off in the morning and was home when we got off the bus. There was essentially NOTHING in my early childhood that would have interfered with my pursuing any creative endeavor I chose.

Then I started thinking about the term "patterning". I started thinking about how both my brothers and I filled a "role" in the family. I don't really think any of us were pushed into that particular role. It was most likely a case of assigning a role based on the personality traits we already displayed. My older brother was the smart one. My younger brother was the mischievious one. And I was the perfect one.

I was the kid who never got in trouble. I always did what I was told. I never caused trouble in school. I always got good grades. I had nice friends. I excelled at sports. The only thing I didn't do well was...rebel. I don't think it would even have occured to me.

The interesting thing is, now that we are older, our roles in the family have switched. Now, my older brother is the perfect one. He got married, bought a house 5 miles away from my parents, had two adorable children, and now works for the same company as my dad. (really took the pressure off of the rest of us. I thank him for it every so often) My younger brother is the smart one. After goofing off through high school and undergrad, he floated from job to job for a while. Then he took a couple classes at community college to raise his GPA and went to law school. He graduated in the top 5% of the class and now has his own practice. (not bad for the kid who got kicked off the bus 3 years in a row) So I guess that makes me -- the mischievious one? Well, we are adults now, so let's change that to -- the non conformist.

The one who moved cross country. The one who isn't married. The one who doesn't own a house. (The one who blogs) I

I look at my neices and nephew now and I realize that I think of them in terms of roles, too. There's the dramatic one, the dark one (seven year old pre-goth, anyone?), the chatterbox, and the little athlete. (they are all the cute one) It's made me think that maybe I treat them a certain way because of how I think they are going to act, rather than how they have behaved. And I'm trying not to.

Hmmm....I wonder which of them will end up living in the garaje mahal in 30 years?

The Artist Way Week 7 (part 2)

This morning I posted about a breakthrough I experienced this week doing The Artists Way program. It had to do with looking at areas in your life that you were experiencing jealousy. (or in my case, sarcasm and anger) As a result of the exercise, I found that this sarcasm was really a disguise for feeling under appreciated. And the friend with whom I had been feeling distant now I felt like a kindred soul; somebody who was in the same boat as me.

All day today, though, I had a little tickle in the back of my brain. In this blog, I try to protect my friend and family's anonymity. Sometimes, I share stories or specific details about others, as long as its in a funny, lighthearted, or irreverent way. Heavy stuff, I tend to shy away from unless its MY heavy stuff.

My post this morning felt to me like I crossed my self-imposed line. I felt like I shared a story that was not mine to share. And though I think that if this particular friend did stumble across my blog, she wouldn't mind, I cannot be 100% sure. That's a risk I just can't take.

It's funny, isn't it? How the line between real life and blog life can get blurry. Has anyone else ever experienced a similar conundrum? I'd love to hear about it.

BlissDom

One of the tools of The Artist's Way is something called and "artist date". The idea being that just as you need to carve out time in your life to nurture a new relationship (a date) you also need to carve out time in your life to nurture creativity (an artist date). Just like more conventional dates, they can take many forms from staying in and renting a movie, going for a walk, trying a different restaurant, or more extravagant measures, like going to a museum or on a trip.

This weekend, I am on THE extravagant artist date: Blissdom 09. At first, the idea of a blogging conference seemed a bit strange to me, I'll admit. Isn't blogging something we all do at 11:30 at night before bed, writing about something and then checking up on all our blog buddies? I mean, there aren't tooth-brushing conferences or packing-tomorrow's-lunch conferences, why that other nightly ritual that happens to involve a computer. But then, I figured, I've never been to Nashville, and I wanted to hear Jen Lancaster speak. So my giant artist's date came to be.

Day one is down, and I'm soo happy I came! For some, like me, blogging is that thing we do before we go to bed. But for others, it's a business, a networking opportunity, a way to reach out and make friends. And while I've tasted a bit of that in my own blogging journey, I certainly haven't utilized blogging to the degree as most of the people here. So I'm learning a lot. Lots of ideas to improve on my little nightly ritual. And I've met lots of really great people whose pages I'm planning to check up on in the days to come.

In much the same way that the Artist's Way is a journey to creativity and self discovery, blogging is a journey to the same destinations. I started the whole blog, really, to find myself again and to rediscover the distinct voice that I once had but had somehow lost. The creativity came later. More interesting was that the assignments this week (theme: abundance) mimicked almost exactly the monthly goal setting I have been doing on the blog. (throw out clothing you no longer wear, change your living space, track your expenses, look for little gifts in nature, reach out to friends). That got me thinking of the creative journey not only in blogging, but in every aspect of life.

So, this weekend, as I attend this conference, meet new friends, gather new ideas, and try new Little Debbie snack cakes (they're everywhere! and they're delicious!) I'm hoping to come away with some new ideas not only for the blog, but for the rest of the journey, as well.

Sweet dreams, all

ARTIST WAY: WEEK FIVE (and addendum)

I thought last week was hard with the reading deprivation. Last week was a cake walk compared to this week.

Weeks one through four looked a lot at re-discovering the things we used to love to do, exploring people or events through our lives that made us stop doing those things we love, and tentatively trying to do them again, in baby steps. Nice, gentle, nurturing with some challenges thrown in.

Week five makes you get real. Week five make you take a good hard look at yourself. Although those people and experiences in your past have contributed to you being stuck now, the only person who keeps you stuck is you. (Or, well, ME)

Week five is about telling the truth. And sometimes the truth is hard to face.

Like how I'm constantly saying I need to break my Diet Coke addiction. How by drinking too much Diet Coke, I don't drink enough water. How sometimes I'm too jacked up to sleep. But the truth is: I like being wired! I like constantly moving and being busy. I like being able to say: "I have so much going on now! My days are packed from beginning to end!" And if I stopped drinking Diet Coke, then maybe I couldn't be so busy. Maybe I'd sit still. And if I sat still, then...I'd be sitting still! By drinking all this Diet Coke, I can stay stuck in this mindset that I have to rely on an outside source for my movement, my inspiration, my resolve. And I don't really have to rely on myself. So I keep drinking it. Even though its bad for me.

And then there was the night we went out to eat 2 weeks ago. It was me, Isabella, and her neighbor Ellen. Ellen was talking about this guy who she dated in high school, and then again after they both graduated from college and lived in the same town. They eventually went their separate ways. He moved to another state, got married, built a little life for himself. Then, out of the blue, he contacts her through her Facebook page, says he's getting divorced, and he's been thinking about her all these years. She's talking about this guy, getting all glow-y and excited about it, and contemplating moving to another state to be with him.

Isabelle is talking about this guy she's (sort of) dating. He's kind a big wig in her industry. He travels a lot and teaches classes and is super smart and interesting. And he calls her whenever it's convenient for him. Never when it's convenient for her. As a matter of fact, she's very rarely ever able to get a hold of him. When it's not convenient. For him.

And me -- I'm talking about Nerd. Nerd who I'm not dating. But I'm more than friends with. I think. Maybe. Sort of. Kinda. But boy does he make me laugh!

I was sitting at this table, eating wonderful food, with these two smart, beautiful, funny, great girls, and having the most ridiculous conversation. None of us, not one of the three of us, was in a real relationship. Yet we were all hanging onto our fake relationships and talking them up to each other. What the hell is wrong with us?

This week, I thought about this a lot. The truth is, I like my fake relationship. I like that I don't have to think about somebody else when I make plans. I like that I have nothing to lose because I have nothing invested. I really like to laugh. He makes me laugh. He's a great guy.

But...am I cheating myself out of something more because I stay stuck in a fantasy that this nothing is really something more? Many of my married friends talk about how I need to invest more time into this relationship and he should, too. And I let them talk as if it's not actually a fake relationship. I think it makes THEM feel better. (And see? See how easy it is to blame somebody or something outside of yourself? Instead of facing your own responsibility?)

Then there's the issue of Nerd, himself. He's a guy. Let's face it. He's not sitting at home pondering if he's being fair to himself or fair to me or fair to his friends. He's probably eating a sausage sandwich, drinking a beer, and watching "This Week in Science". (Did you think I was going to say football? He's a NERD!)

The whole point is: the three of us are stuck in our fantasy fake relationships, even though we ALL know they aren't real. Because it's easier that way. Because they are bones to throw to family and friends who keep wondering when we are going to settle down. Because we truly do like the people the fantasies are built around. And because nobody is getting hurt by any of this. Except maybe ourselves?

Oh, my head hurts.

**Ok, I just read what I posted earlier. And I wanted to point out that even though my post seemed to imply that I had a rough week, swimming around in a pool of existential angst, I actually had a great week! Even though it's tough to admit to yourself that things-in-your-life you-feel-you-have-no-control-over may, in fact, be things-you-have-chosen-subconsciously; it's also very enlightening.

It's easier when you can say to yourself: "Hmm. Maybe listening to Guns and Roses and drinking a bottle of diet coke while I drive home from a yoga class is counter-productive. Maybe I should listen to Jack Johnson and drink water." And then if I go and listen to Axl Rose and chug soda anyway, at least I realize it was my choice to do so. And I can accept it and forget about it, not feel guilty later on that night.

Or if a friend asks what Nerd and I are doing this weekend, I can just say "I don't know. We didn't make any plans and I don't know what he's doing." Without feeling like I need to spin it somehow.

And once those things aren't weighing on your mind, life is a little sweeter. I had a sweet week!

Artists Way Week Four

One of the assignments for this week is to: stop reading for a week. Yes, you read that correctly: NO READING FOR A WEEK! The idea being that we fill ourselves up with daily quotas of media chat and fluff and other bits and pieces of nonsense. Yes, there is certainly quality reading material and thought provoking novels mixed in, as well. But, in a sense, we all use reading to numb ourselves out the same way an overweight teenager uses junk food.
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In a cruel twist of fate, my week of reading deprivation landed on the same week as the inauguration. So as much as I wanted to read about what was unfolding in the first few days of the administration, I was banned from doing so.

It's tricky: when you aren't reading and trying to whittle down the "to read" pile, it's tempting to fill up that time with TV. But that's just another name for the same thing. The idea is to be alone with our thoughts, instead of blocking them out.

I did have a lot of time to organize and sort, to clean and do laundry, and to think. Then I started looking around a bit. And I remembered some things I was GOING to do but forgot. I dipped into the project box and knocked off a couple of small ones. I hung up a picture. I brought out some valentine's decorations I had downstairs. I puttered.

I thought the hardest part would be at the gym. I'm used to tuning out and reading a magazine while doing cardio. Strangely, it wasn't that hard. Without my magazine shield, I was able to tune into my body a bit more and ended up having a few great workouts!

With 2 more days of reading deprivation ahead, I'm planning on having a productive weekend.

But I'm looking forward to getting back to everyone's blogs next week! I miss y'all!

Artist's Way

This week's Artist's Way assignment was a good one! Really makes you think. Whether you've heard of The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron or not, it's a fun exercise. (Might make a good meme if anyone is strapped for post ideas) ANYWAY....

Name 5 People You Admire:

1) Jimmy Carter: I just find him fascinating! How many other people can say that being president of the United States really was NOT their greatest accomplishment? He has done so many incredible things. And he seems to be such a good person. I remember watching him on Jon Stewart and he talked about climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro on his 70th birthday! And climbing to the second Everest base camp on his 60th. What a cool guy!

2) Dr. L: A doctor at work. He is so smart and personable and genuinely cares about all his patients. I also think he has a photographic memory because he knows all of his patients by sight and can rattle off all the meds they are on without batting an eye. While I have to pull out their charts and re-read what I wrote 3 weeks ago because everybody just becomes a blur in my head. (thank goodness for pens) But most of all, he has a very creative, out of the box, approach to medicine and I think alot of the success his patients experience is because of this. I would like to be more like him.

3) My college friend, Pig. Pig had a 4.0 in undergrad and then went into medical research after college. She was also training for Ironmans. She finished I think 30th for women in the Ironman in Kona, Hawaii. You know, the big, televised race? She had sponsors and was featured in the tri-magazines and all the while held down a full time job, as well. A very HARD full time job. Eventually, she stopped training so hard and went back to med school where she again, had a 4.0. Now she does surgeries on crazy athletes like herself. She's the most focused person I've ever met. I admire her ability to focus all her energy and keep her eyes unwavering on a goal.

4) My friend, Wheelie. I met Wheelie when I worked on a spinal cord injury floor at a hospital. He taught a class there. He broke his neck when he was in college and has only partial use of his arms, nothing in his legs or trunk. He goes camping and scuba diving and bike riding and kayaking. I can't keep up with him. Plus, he's smart and funny and has a magnetic personality. He always has some kind of scheme cooking. And I know that I only know a small fraction of all the crazy things he is perpetually juggling. Ever have a friend who you feel honored to be friends with? That's Wheelie.

5) Bliss I met her out in California through a mutual friend. She was working in a nursing facility there, just as I was. We were both feeling a bit disillusioned with life and our careers. We took very different paths from there. I moved back home to my family and childhood friends and I'm still in transition. I'm not sure where I'm going from here. She started taking classes and started her own holistic health business where she's the boss. She sees clients on her own terms, not on the insurance company's terms or the staffing company's terms. I admire her courage and vision.

Pretty impressive list. But now: Name 5 People You Secretly Admire:

1) Jimmy Buffet: I don't like his music. I don't think he's a particularly good writer. I don't like his restaurant chains. But I admire the fact that he's found a way to make a living out of basically being a beach bum.

2) Goofy: A former co-worker of mine. He was an OK clinician. He wasn't bad. But he wasn't great. He put in a moderate amount of effort at work. I mean, he showed up, he did his work, he completed his paperwork. But he never put in any extra effort. He just breezed in and breezed back out. Here's the thing: everybody LOVED him! Including me. He was just a happy, funny, fun guy. He was the class clown with the consistent C+ average. I admired his ability to find balance and be happy.

3) My friend, Shara. Shara is a flake. She always has some kind of ridiculous drama going on. She flits from place to place dressed like a hippie saying the most ridiculous things. She's kind of like Phoebe from "Friends". Whenever she leaves the room, everybody rolls their eyes and shakes their heads. Here's the deal though: she can get away with it. It's like she read the rules and didn't like them. So she made up her own rules. And that takes courage of a different sort.

4) My cousin, Andie. She was the quintessential special ed teacher. She worked all the time. She taught special ed in school and tutored kids after school and on weekends. She taught English to English -as-a-second-language kids over the summer and more often than not, they all passed the standardized test at the end of the summer and could go on to the next grade. But then she got married. And had a baby. And she said: I love my work, but I don't want to do this anymore. She quit and became a full time mom. She's a great mom. She did what she said she'd never do. But I've never seen her happier.

5) A friend of a friend, Lexi: I met Lexi when I lived out on the west coast and she's one of the most interesting person I've ever met. Lexi is a stripper. Lexi is also strangely innocent and wholesome. Stripping is her job. It's not who she is. Lexi's husband got really sick and was out of work for 2 years. They were strapped for money. So Lexi started an X rated web site. She posted pictures of herself and other strippers she worked with. She created calenders and memberships where the members get newsletters and emails and get to chat with the girls. And she sells underwear to these men. I remember a conversation where she said that Thursday was the day where she changed her underwear 15 times. She would wear each pair of underwear for and hour and then launder them all. Because telling people that it was "her" underwear if she had never worn it was dishonest. And above all, you must preserve the integrity of your pornographic website, right?

Lastly, name people who are dead who you wish you had met or would like to hang out with in the great beyond. (Like the old question "If you had a dinner party and could invite 7 people who living or dead, who would you invite?") So many people say "Jesus" or "Martin Luther King jr" or "JFK". But I'd invite:

1) Gertrude Stein
2) Isabella Stewart Gardner
3) Oscar Wilde
4) Theodor Giesel (Dr. Seuss)
5) Andy Warhol
6) Antouni Gaudi
7) Queen Elizabeth (the first)

Can you imagine the conversation that would erupt at that table?

ARTISTS WAY WEEK TWO

And again, I find myself back at Friday, ready to do some Artist's Way assignments. It's a little serendipitous, this week's assignments and my state of mind today. I left work early on Wednesday and called out of work on Thursday because of either a GI bug I picked up or possibly something I ate on Wednesday. I basically spent late Wednesday and all of Thursday shuffling back and forth between the bed and the bathroom. I briefly considered asking the scheduler to re-schedule all of my patients for today, but I couldn't be sure I'd feel well enough to work. And since I had already called my late patients for Wed and re-scheduled them for Thur, I didn't want to have people feel like I was stringing them along.

Well, this morning dawned and I awoke feeling great! And I was immediately racked with guilt for missing work yesterday and not going in to work today. I felt guilty for missing 3 workouts this week (Tue, Wed, Thur) even though I was clearly in no shape to be at the gym. And most disturbing of all, I found myself looking forward to stepping on a scale to see how 2 days of nothing but tea and one serving of rice affected my weight. What the hell is wrong with me?

Thank goodness for ol' Julia Cameron and her insightful exercises.

WHERE DOES YOUR TIME GO? LIST YOUR 5 MAJOR ACTIVITIES FOR THE WEEK AND HOW MUCH TIME YOU GIVE TO EACH ONE. How much of your time was what you wanted to do and how much of it was what you felt you SHOULD be doing?

Factoring out SLEEP, I'm left with: (1) Work --45 hours
(2) Working out -- 8-9 hours
(3) Blogging -- 6-7 hours
(4) Cleaning -- 7-8 hours
(5) TV -- 8-9 hours

It appears to me that all of these activities are things that I both want to do and also feel like I should be doing. But with the 5 or more extra hours per week I work (that I do not get paid for) should I really be feeling guilty for taking a sick day? And I love working out, I am trying to actually do WELL in triathlons next year, not just finish. But could it be that I am ignoring when I start to feel too tired and push myself to the point where I'm more vulnerable to getting sick? I'm loving the blogging, of course, and the TV watching is generally a simultaneous activity (cleaning and watching TV, checking email and watching TV, eating dinner and watching TV). But...would I feel less overwhelmed if I weren't constantly doing 2 things at once? And finally...the cleaning also entails my getting rid of stuff. I'm hoping that once I get rid of some clutter, the amount of time I spend cleaning goes down dramatically. SO I guess just keep track of it.

Contrast this to:
LIST 20 THINGS YOU ENJOY DOING MOST. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU DID THESE THINGS?
In no particular order:
(1) Hiking
(2) Camping
(3) Going to the beach
(4) Playing with my niece's and nephews
(5) Bike riding
(6) Jogging
(7) Swimming
(8) Roller blading
(9) Playing Guitar
(10) Going to see live music
(11) Traveling
(12) Reading
(13) Writing
(14) 'Rithmatic (just kidding) Lifting weights
(15) Going to the movies
(16) Hanging out with friends
(17) Scuba Diving
(18) Sleeping in and cuddling with someone on Sunday morning
(19) taking a long bath
(20) trying new recipes

And yeah, its been a long time since I did some of those things. It seems silly that I have extra time to do extra work, to watch so much TV, to spend so much time on the computer, so clean so much, to spend workout time "putting in the hours" rather than doing something enjoyable, but not enough time to do the things I love the most.

And what changes can I make to make these two lists more compatible? I don't have the answer to that right now. But I do have alot to think about. And maybe THAT is the answer for not feeling guilty over things I shouldn't feel guilty about.

Artist Way Week One

Once again, I have picked up the book The Artist's Way and begun (hopefully) on a journey toward a more creative life. Each week are a series of exercises.

Here's one from this week, which is kind of fun:

IMAGINARY LIVES.
If you could have 5 other lives to lead, what would you do in each of them?

(1) Writer
I almost did go into writing as a career. But I let a high school English teacher convince me that I couldn't write, I was uncreative, my grammar sucked, and whatever I did produce was boring. It's funny how no matter how often or how many people tell you they love your letters, your emails, your blog posts, or your short stories, none of that stands up to ONE naysayer, isn't it?

(2) Adventure Guide
I love to hike. I love to camp. I love to climb and bike and raft and scuba dive. I love just about everything there is to do outdoors. Some people actually make their living taking other people out and showing them how to have a good time. I know. I went on a couple Outward Bound trips and paid good money for somebody else to show me how to play without putting my life in danger. I could totally do that.

(3) Professional Organizer
There is something so calming and rewarding about cleaning things up and putting everything back in it's place. There is something just so soothing about lists and schedules, clearly labeled bins and baskets, books organized by size and subject, shoes paired together and lined up all in a row. Some people hate doing this. I like it.
Of course, once I helped a co-worker move. In work, she appeared completely normal. Then I saw her house and I realized she was certifiably insane. She rented a 3 bedroom house with a 2 car garage for just her. Every room had stuff piled from floor to ceiling with a small path to creep through. I helped her "pack" for 8 hours before I had to go back to my own life. We had just about gotten all the way through that mess (I'm a really fast and organized packer). I was covered with grime. You know when the Q-tips come out of your ears BLACK? That kind of dirty.
If all my clients were like that as an organizer, I may go insane. Or I could quit and become a...

(4) Personal Trainer
I've actually done a little training on the side during the course of my life. It's sometimes hard to change gears from working with sick or injured people to working with well people who want to lose weight or keep in shape. But I'm good at that kind of thing. I'm not so good at self-promotion, which is half the battle as a personal trainer, so I'd probably be really broke and really in shape.

(5) Guitarist in a Rock Band
Just because it's so cool. Of course, I'm a diurnal creature, so I'd be in danger of falling asleep half way through a set. But playing guitar is really fun. And really challenging. And a bit like meditating in that your mind goes clear and you must focus solely upon what your fretting hand is doing and what your strumming hand is doing. At least MY mind does that. I'm not so very good on the guitar. But these are, after all, imaginary lives. And in my imagination, I'm like Hendrix!

The Artist's Way

Several years ago, I had the opportunity to see Julia Cameron speak at a holistic health conference. At the time, I had never heard of her. I went to the conference to see Deepak Chopra. But several people I knew had recommended going to see her speak.

She was, in a word, magical. I think it was fitting that the room in which she was speaking was, in fact, and old church. To just listen to her speak and look at the sun shining in through stained glass windows...magic.

To anyone not familiar with Julia Cameron, she is an author, screenwriter and poet amongst other things. But her true spark of genius, her passion, if you will, is her workshops to teach creativity. Most of us feel that creativity is something you're either born with or not. But Julia feels that creativity is something we all have, but have learned to repress. Her workshops go through a series of exercises aimed at rediscovering the creative spark we have learned to snuff.

SHe also has a number of books that mimic her workshops. I have, in the past, started the 12 week program in her book, The Artist's Way, but have never really gotten through. I think I got to week 9 a few times.

Anyway, I am going to open the book again in 2009. And to motivate myself, I'm going to dedicate one day per week on the blog to the Artist's Way. (It's like paying to go to a gym, where I HAVE to exercise to get my money's worth. Now the pressure is on since I have made the goal public. I HAVE to finish)

Plus, it might be nice to share the creative journey with other creative folks out there. What do you all do to ignite the creative spark?