Saturday, November 3, 2012

Horror Movies

One of my favorite things in October is watching scary movies. When it gets close to Halloween, you can find me scouting the TV, looking for good scary movies. I always have to watch alot of bad ones before I actually find a good one.

I think the horror movie is a pretty hard endeavor. It's not like a romantic comedy, where even a really bad one is still going to be a crowd pleaser. Just plug in the formula, throw in a few laughs, end on a happy note and BOOM! Done. It's kind of like pizza. Even bad pizza is still pretty good. And everyone will still eat it.

Horror movies are more like souffl├ęs. Difficult to make, and even if it comes out perfectly, only a select few will like it. Me? I can be found smacking my chops and wiping whipped potato from the corners of my mouth! I love a good suspenseful thriller filled with unexpected twists. I love an old fashioned horror flick that'll make me jump out of my seat. I like a cleverly made monster movie that'll stay with me for days. I even like the anxious, jittery, wired feeling I sometimes get that leaves me unable to sleep.

Moster movies seem to have made a pretty big comeback in the past few years. The reigning king of the monsters, of course, is the vampire. Though zombies aren't far behind. Vampires always seem to be the slick, cool, sexy, mesmerizing ones. While zombies are, well, zombies.

Zombies come in two varieties: the slow moving, moaning, brain-eating type a la Night of the Living Dead and the jittery, fast moving, shrieking variety like in 28 Days Later.  (Both good movies, by the way) I like a good Zombie flick.

You don't see a lot of interest in mummies. Or swamp creatures. Frankenstein is middle of the pack, at best. I'd really like to see some adventurous director take these neglected creatures and do something new with them. Are you listening, John Carpenter,  Wes Craven, Clive Barker, JJ Abrams or M. Night Sham-a-lam-a-ding-dong? October comes every year!

Demons get alot of press, too, but I fail to see why. For a creature that's supposed to be so powerful, they don't seem to be able to do a whole lot. They always move into a house and skulk around the attic for a while, bewildering the mice or making a creepy clown doll stand up. Then, maybe, they'll venture downstairs and rattle a vase or make a shade fly up or maybe even - gasp - open a door! So what? I can open a door. I can open AND close a door while carrying my work bag, my gym bag, my lunch bag, my purse, a stack of letters to be mailed, my travel mug of tea and a green smoothie. I do it every morning. (okay, sometimes it takes me two trips) But still! Why would I possibly be afraid of something that can only open a door one, maybe two inches, WITHOUT carrying all that other shit?

Therein, I think, lies the reason behind the demon's ultimate goal of possession. Only when occupying the body of a human can it multi-task! And everybody knows that NOTHING gets done these days without a little multi-tasking going on.

If you ask me, if they really wanted to make an impact, demons would just scrap this whole possession business and concentrate on their one true strength: foreign languages. Ever notice that in possession movies, the hapless victim suddenly is fluent in German and Russian and Aramaic? That's what demons should be touting! They'd be bigger than Berlitz. Yet somehow, they fail capitalize on their strengths or learn from the likes of Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg. Quite disappointing coming from the monster equivalent of "president of the Latin club."

Which leads me to the mack daddy of all the horror movie creatures, Satan himself. He makes alot of appearances under many stage names: Damien, Lucifer, Beelebub, Dick Cheney. he's supposed to be the most evil entity in all the universe, but notice how he often just seems like an egomaniac? Hey, Devil, stop acting like a spoiled toddler who needs a nap! Why do you think its always about you, you, you? What he really deserves is a good time out. Maybe a nurturing mom-type to read the Little Golden Book series to him and give him some hot chocolate.

He does know where to find the good music, though. And he can throw one heck of a party! So, sure, int this case, I'll throw the conceited bastard a bone. Halloween can be all about him.

And candy.

And scary movies.

Being in good enough shape to do crazy obstacle course races :)

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