Throughout the month, I have been doing quite a bit of journaling. Not blogging, journaling with paper and pen in a place that nobody but me will ever see. Journaling lots of private stuff. Journaling in a way that I'm hoping will help me get un-stuck in a number of areas in my life. Journaling, not blogging, because some things are just too personal.
Then this week, I read a post from Diane that could have come straight out of my own head, straight out of my "private journal" full of stuff too personal for anyone else to see. And it made me feel good, that I'm not the only one who has these thoughts, these periods of self doubt where I question everything about myself; my feelings, my actions, my role in this world, my purpose in life. I thought it was very kind and very brave of Diane to post something like that for all to see. That post made me feel less alone in my head.
It got me to thinking about other people out there who use their posts to inspire others and to challenge others to live a better life or to reach a higher goal. People like Amanda
Finally, I thought that maybe its time for me to share a little more than tidbits about how I can't cook or garden or date or run faster than an arthritic 80 year old on a frigid winter morning. Because maybe there is somebody else out there feeling...stuck, like me. And maybe some of the questions I've been journaling about are the very same questions that somebody else needs to ask themselves. And maybe, like Diane, I can make somebody feel a little less alone in their head.
QUESTION: WHAT ARE THE PATTERNS YOU REPEAT OVER AND OVER IN YOUR LIFE?
I work too much. I don't know why. I always get myself into situations where I take on too much or get too much put upon me without speaking up to say no. Then I get stressed out and I neglect other areas of my life in order to work more. I don't know how to set limits. I don't deal with the overwork issues head on, but end up complaining it to people who can't help the situation. I end up resenting work and feeling unfulfilled.
Then I leave. Rater than deal with things head on, I let things get worse and worse until I feel like the only way out is to leave. And I do.
I eat too much sugar and consume to much caffeine.
And deep down, I sort of believe that this overworked, undervalued, frantic, overcaffeinated, over sugared existence somehow give me more character. Like it makes me smarter or deeper or more deserving of respect.
Which it doesn't. I know it doesn't. Unhappiness isn't a desirable character trait. It's time to give it up.