Friday, June 25, 2010

The Love List

Ok, so as usual, I'm late joining the fray, but I wanted to post for MamaKat's writing assignment this week because: Hello? One of the choices involved a list and I am the queen of lists!

The assignment: Write the love list: 50 things you look for in a guy

The funny thing is? I have a list already. Not a theoretical list. Not a list in my head. Or out in the ethers. An actual written list. It's not 50 items long. But I guess now it will be.

I started the list when I was 23 and I was reeling, in one of those "What the hell happened? What is wrong with me?" phases of life. I decided to write -- on paper, in my journal -- a list of the bare minimal qualities a guy needed to have to be datable. I didn't want to be greedy. I didn't want to set the bar too ridiculously high. Just bare minimum. (its amazing how high the bar actually was set at the bare minimum)

1) Has to have a clue. Not $100,000 in a 401k. Not a McMansion. Just a clue. About how to possibly get from point A to point B. That didn't involve a winning lottery ticket.
2) No drug or alcohol problems.
3) Has to have a sense of humor
4) Has to know how to have fun (and spending all day in front of the TV is not fun)
5) Cannot be intimidated by me. I'm a very small person. Nobody should find me intimidating.

That was it. Not much. But surprisingly effective in the weeding process. Of course, over the years, I ended up having to add to the list of bare minimums:

6) Has to weigh more than me (kind of related to #2) Especially since I weighed all of 107# when this was added. But with an opt out clause: Becomes void if I fell in love with a little person.
7) Has the ability to make his own decisions
8) Has a good sense of self.
9) Cannot be more feminine than I am
10) Has to be the same level of weirdness as me (plus or minus one standard deviation) It sucks trying to make things work with a stick in the mud or a much-too-freaky-freak.

And then a few more:

11) Expansion on the sense of humor rule: Both understand my jokes and be able to make me laugh
12) Have own life (you cannot call me 6 or 7 times a day and not expect me to kill you)
13) All baggage must be carry on sized or smaller
14) Cannot play Ultima online, Everquest, or World of Warcraft
15) Has to be the same level of flakiness as me (plus or minus one standard deviation) It sucks trying to create chemistry with somebody who has never heard of the "School of Good Enough" or conversely with somebody who just never shows up

And then even a few more:

16) Cannot be jealous of every male I speak to. I have to talk to doctors at work. I just do.
17) Has to be able to pack by himself
18) And maybe actually plan the trip every now and then
19) And possibly be grateful for the trips I take time to plan for us
20) Keeps obsessions in check (you know, withing one standard deviation of ME)
21) Thinks I'm pretty freaking awesome! It sucks when you offer yourself, your mind, your life to another person who essentially responds with "Meh. I think I could do better." (Guess what? You can't, sucka!)

But somewhere along the way, I started to think that maybe writing just the bare necessities wasn't avoiding being greedy or setting the bar too high. Maybe it was, in fact, selling myself short. Maybe the pie in the sky list is the way to go! So I came up with the rest. Which are alot more fun. And possibly a lot more effective. I'll keep you posted on THAT

22) Must love adventure
23) Must love to camp
24) Must love to hike
25) Must at least consider the possibility of thru-hiking the Appalachian Trail with me someday
26) Must like the beach
27) Must like to travel
28) Must at least consider the possibility of taking a year to travel the world with me
29) Must be willing to try new and different food It sucks trying to order food with somebody who continuously asks if they have hamburgers and then grumbles that there was a Denny's just down the street from the Five Star Tapas restaurant you picked from the food network's website
30) Must appreciate my love of 80's hair band music
31) And not get irritated when I sing along to Dokken and Suicidal Tendencies
32) And like to go out to dive bars and see live music
33) Must have a "personal bubble" that is translucent, not opaque
34) And, hence, have a sense of responsibility to help out other people, the environment, and the world in general
35) Must be willing to roll around in the grass with my (or his) nieces and nephews
36) Be at the same level of fitness as me (plus or minus one standard deviation) See the hiking and camping items above. But not be like a few of the tools at the triathlon camp last weekend who showed up at an "advanced beginner" instructional camp as a seasoned athlete with 12 years of competing under their belt merely to ride faster than everyone else and feel superior.
('Course, that may also be related to item #13)
37) Surprises me every now and then
38) Has goals of his own
39) Willing to share his food with me. Or maybe even trade dishes halfway through the meal
40) Maybe has a stupid article of clothing that he's had since college that is worn and doesn't even really fit any more and really should be turned into a rag but he just can't bear to part with it so he wears it to bed or while watching football. I like that.
41) Love it when I unexpectedly chop 14 inches off my hair because I've just had it. (or maybe dye it pink and purple)
42) Be at the same level of nerdiness as me It sucks when you try to have a conversation and you either have to explain what every three syllable or longer word means, or when your eyes glaze over like donuts at somebody else's monologue
43) Not give a crap about "the lawn"
44) Or "the hardwood floor"
45) Or the cleanliness of the car
46) Not get aggravated when I say "plus or minus one standard deviation" (or "covalent wardrobe")
47) Be willing to share secrets
48) And have our own secrets that we don't tell anyone else
49) Never, ever, ever, try to make me the keeper of the honey-do list
50) Or take my lists away from me


Karen, author of "My Funny Dad, Harry" said...

WOW! You did it! You actually came up with 50 things--congratulations on completing this assignment so well! You are the first I've seen to actually come up with 50 things.

Stopping by from Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop.

Anonymous said...

I found myself nodding "yes" at pretty much every item on this list. You just increased your awesomeness in my humble opinion by several standard deviations. :)

Anonymous said...

I love your list! :)

Clicked over from Mama Kat's.