In the Between

Right now, I'm nowhere.

For the last 6 months, I knew exactly where I was, from the milage completed and the milage to go, how far to the next water source, the next campsite, the next resupply. I knew what my ultimate destination was and what I had to do to get there. Every day when I got up, I knew exactly what I was doing.

And then I finished.

Now, each day lays out before me without a definite plan. I have things to do; job searching, renewing certifications, reconnecting with family and friends, downsizing, exercising, blogging. But my activities seem disjointed. They seem to bear little connection with one another. And if I don't get to something today, well, I can just get to it tomorrow. No consequence. No rethinking the overall plan. No putting in double effort tomorrow so I don't fall behind. It sounds liberating and free.

It's not.

Even though I said my plans for the next three months were to have no definite plans, even though I like living in uncertainty, even though I purposely am targeting short term and per diem jobs in my search instead of permanent positions -- I still feel a little lost. I still feel like I should have a more concrete destination.

Part of the problem, of course, is that I don't have my own place yet. I'm entirely too old to be slumming with the parents, but after 6 months of no paycheck and an irregular income now, getting my own place is a little out of reach. But its hard not having your own space. And when your tentative plans involve moving on in 3 months or so, is even pursuing an apartment worth it?

And then there is the big elephant in the room. The guy. Who lives in a different time zone. And doesn't have a job right now, either. And has no idea where he will be working once he is employed. Could be Illinois. Could be California. Could be North Carolina. Could be Toronto! I do have a way to get a temporary job wherever it is he gets a permanent one. You know, just to see. Cause sometimes all you have in common is a mutual experience and when that experience is over...then...it's over.

Or then again, maybe it's the beginning.

But I don't know. I'm living in uncertainty. Floating along in between maybe and I don't know.