Sunday, January 1, 2012

A New Year

So 2012 is here! I, for one, am not sorry to see 2011 go. It was a very challenging year that shook me up and forced me to change the way I see a lot of things. And not in a good way. Sometimes, I feel like life is a struggle to remain un-cynical. 2011 took me in the wrong direction.

In December, I started out all gung-ho to get back into blogging and post every day. Then, I felt the need to stop posting and just spend some time turning inward and doing some private reflection and evaluation. (All the while trying to plug away on goals) In the midst of trying to pare down my book collection, I came across a sentence that gave me pause. Then shook me up. Then forced me to change the way I see myself. In a good way. Sometimes life throws you a bone to let you know its not all that bad.

So the sentence was: "Are you using your goals to move closer to your ideal self, or as a way to keep yourself busy, so that you can avoid whatever it is you should REALLY be working on?" I saw myself in that sentence. Me, the perpetual list maker, goal setter, eye-on-the-prize go-getter; me one who does all the things other people say they'd like to do but never do; I've been avoiding life! It was a bit shocking.

Fortunately, I came across one more mind blowing sentence: "What is the one thing you are going to do differnt tomorrow?" Ok, so maybe it's not all that mind blowing. But when I realized that my goal reviews focused mainly on what I hadn't accomplished and the reasons why I didn't accomplish them (I was sick for 2 weeks, I had a big project to complete that was more important, I was tired) I decided to make a subtle shift. I've spent the past 2-3 weeks focusing on making tiny changes, not giant pie in the sky goals, but tiny little changes and seeing how they pan out.

I spent New Year's Eve with my two best friends in J's new place. J, whose home I had been renting the Garaje Mahal, which is now in the distant past. J, who spent a couple months in my new place with me before finding her own place. J, whose 2011 was way way way worse than mine. I was in her new place with Shell and the energy in that new place was good, It was a calming, safe, nurturing energy. It was good.

I mentally compared that to the energy in my new place which feels rather empty. On purpose. I felt like I needed to spend some time getting rid of negativity and baggage. (I made a lot of trips to the thrift store with donations over the past couple months as I got rid of physical stuff, too)

So now, I'm thinking that as 2012 starts, and I'm sitting here in my new place that screams EMPTINESS I need to make some tiny little changes each day and start focusing not on what I DON'T want, but on what I want. What I want to fill the space where the negativity used to live.

Oh, 2012 is a blank canvas and I'm opening some paint.


David said...

I agree with what you said about doing something different! My life in 2011 was one tv show after another. I subscribed to NetFlix on Dec.31, 2010 and ive been watching TV a lot! But a few days ago I decided to do something different, I spent an hour trying to recover my google password so that I could start Blogging again. My previous attempt at blogging ended after just two posts! I'm not joking. I'm sorry for leaving such a long comment, i'll stop typing now...

lclarey said...

I am glad to see the arse end of 2011 as well. Very thought provoking, your questions. For 2012 I ask only to be able to accept my life as it is, or the motivation to do something to change it. I am caught between inertia and rebellion. Looking forward to more of your posts. I've missed you.

dragonfly_colectress said...

That sentence describes it well: goal-setting can be a trap or a blessing, depending on where (and why) you are coming from.