Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Independence Day

"Come gather 'round people * Wherever you roam * And admit that the waters * Around you have grown * And accept it that soon * You'll be drenched to the bone ** If your time to you is worth savin' * Then you'd better start swimmin' * Or you'll sink like a stone * For the times they are a-changin'" ---Bob Dylan

So July 4th has come and gone and things are good, but very different than they were a year ago. Around Christmastime, the air fills with the sound of that old holiday stand-by: "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year." While some will hear that song and truly believe that Christmastime fits the bill, I'll always think of July 4th when I hear it.

Maybe it's from growing up near the beach. The weather gets warmer, the summer people come back to open up their cottages, and suddenly your pool of friends doubles. The summer friends come back in fits and dribbles, but everyone is sure to be there by July 3rd (the nite of bonfires and bottlerockets in the sand) and July 4th (parade, beach, and fireworks on the waterfront). The excitement never dies, no matter how old I've become.

Or so I thought.

Sometimes it takes an earth-shattering change to make you face what you've been slowly realizing for a while. That the excitement has given way to a been there, done that, sort of resignation. That memories of last year, and the year before, and the year before that, all seem to include you saying: "Well, next year will be better." That you can clearly remember feeling relieved the year you got the flu and had to sit this one out. That many of your friends from years ago have little in common with you anymore except geographic closeness and bonfires on July 3rd.

This year, we skipped July 3rd altogether in lieu of the playground and movie nite in. This year we picked a different spot to watch the parade. This year, July 4th was spent on a different beach with a different group of people and a totally different vibe. This year the fireworks were watched not from the waterfront, but from across the bay on a blanket in the sand with a tiny little fire and an acoustic guitar playing.

This year, I learned that sometimes we do things only because we've done them that way so many times in the past. They aren't necessarily the best things for us now. And when we reach out of that comfort zone, sometimes we discover that there are better things out there, if we just look.

It's time to start looking. It's summertime. The most wonderful time of the year.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Summer day

So today was the day that I took control and decided to live my life the way I want and ignore the rest of the drama. Rollerbladed 9 miles along the canal in the am, went to the farmer's market (very low turnout of vendors today, I'm wondering if the holiday weekend in the beach town kept them away) and then to the beach. Feeling like a summertime girl again! Top off the jeep, ocean water feeling warm, and a ridiculously lite chick-lit book in my beach bag. (I even got a once over from a cute hottie about 15 years younger than me)

Summer's looking up.

Friday, July 1, 2011

One July Goal

I've been away for a while. A long while.

Whenever one of my regular bloggie friends whom I read takes a hiatus, I like to imagine that life is going swimmingly for them; that they are too busy having fun to stop and write about it on a computer, for crying out loud! I like to think that the opposite isn't true.

In my case, the opposite was true.

It's been a trying couple months, filled with court appearances and restraining orders and other such horrible things that you never wish to have in your life. It's been sucky. And it's not over yet. Far from it.

To think that just 3 months ago, I was bemoaning how boring my life was and how I needed to shake things up a bit. This is not what I meant.

When I started blogging, way back when, it was a way to find my way out from a different life crisis. (Which seems oh-so-quaint and manageable now) At the time it seemed much more pressing.

I had lost myself. I had no idea who I was anymore. I felt like I no longer had a voice. So I started this silly little blog to just write something...anything....until I found my voice and myself again.

Plus, I discovered that between blogging and marathon training, my insomnia went away and I felt like a person. (If you want to feel like anything, feeling like a person is a good start!)

In the past two months, insomnia has returned. Exercise and tri training has evaporated. I've been cranky as hell. My food choices are in the toilet. And I'm a caffeine addict again.

And now it's July. July 1st to be exact, which has always felt like more of the beginning of summer, up in New England. Especially with the rainy June we had this year. So maybe it can be a beginning of another sort.

Once again, I find myself at the keyboard, humble and just looking to say something...anything... to make me feel like a person again. To make me feel like me again.

I, the poster of goals, the maker of lists, the assigner of "days" to "themes" (Tuesday's bad dates, Thursday's bad cooking, Friday's wrap up, Monday's charity) have but one purpose this July: Just be here. Just write something. Just pull myself kicking back up from the depths, back to the surface where I can breathe.

'Cause if you can't breathe, you can't laugh.

And laughing is what makes you feel like less of a person and more of a goddess.