speaking of motivation

I once was friends with a motivational speaker. An actual motivational speaker! He made his living going from venue to venue, yelling into a microphone and whipping everyone up into a frenzy. He was a very popular attraction. I mean, not Tony Robbins popular or Wayne Dyer popular, but for eastern Washington, he had quite a following.

He started out as a football coach. I suppose he spent years honing his excitatory skills in pep rallies and pre-game hormone soaked locker rooms. I could only imagine how his teams performed on the field; after an hour of watching him pace and flail, entire auditoriums full of adults would dance out the door, resolute in their ability to conquer the world. He was a sight to behold!

But here's the thing: he had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. I know this because I heard the promises he made during his speeches. He would wax poetically about how with positive thinking and affirmations, your could accomplish anything. ANYTHING! You could finish school, pass the bar exam, make $1,000,000! You could completely restore an old house on your own, despite an unsound foundation. You could reverse a food allergy. You could make $2,000,000 -- from a home based business without ever leaving the sofa! You could resuscitate a failed marriage, no matter what anyone else told you. You could re-grow an amputated limb.

Often he would pepper his speeches with examples of people who had attended his workshops or who worked with him one-on-one. He was unflinchingly confident that their fates lay exclusively in their positive outlook and refusal to be deterred. Sam, the 17 year old kid with the spinal cord injury, would walk again. Julie, the 90 year old woman with Alzheimer's, would write a memoir for her great-grandchildren. Bill, the 49 year old man with esophageal cancer, would eat a steak dinner on his 50th birthday.

Of course, none of these scenarios worked out as he said. Sam went on to college and found a cute little girlfriend -- from a wheelchair. Bill celebrated his birthday with family and friends at a huge party that his wife planned for him. After a wonderful day, he went home and ingested several hundred calories of nutrition through a peg tube. And Julie? Julie lived a long, significant, meaningful life and left behind a large family and countless friends at the age of 91. They didn't need a memoir to remember how wonderful she was.

None of these people achieved the outcomes that my friend, the motivational speaker, had promised them. Here's the other thing: it didn't matter. Not one of these people cared that he had promised them something he couldn't deliver. They did not feel cheated. They did not feel like they had been sold snake oil. Instead, they felt like they had been sold hope.

"Oh, well, it was worth a shot" Sam said to me later that year. "At least now I know I tried everything I possibly could and I can move on with my life without regrets."

Here's the third thing: sometimes during one of his speeches, when he was bouncing around, stamping and clapping and chanting some pithy soundbite like "You can do it" or "Believe to receive", I actually believed him. I mean, I knew he had no idea what he was talking about. And I knew the people he talked about rarely, if ever, achieved what he said they would. And every fiber of my being was crying out that this guy was a charlatan who took advantage of unfortunate people. But when the crowd was clapping and chanting in time to his hyperkinetics, I would feel myself get swept up in the spirit. I would think that maybe, just maybe, sometimes things did work out the way he said the would.

In those moments, the world appeared to be a magical place, a place where anything was possible. If only you clicked your heels three times or had a sprinkle of pixie dust. If only you could just let go of your cynicism and believe. And maybe feeling that way isn't such a bad thing.

Maybe the real purpose of my friend's speeches wasn't to tell people the truth; the truth will eventually find its way in. Maybe his real genius was in getting people to forget the awful truth for just a little while and live in never-never land where hope is eternal and you never grow up. Maybe every now and then that's just what we need.

things that need to be said

Well, I have only one more day of work until I'm on vacation and I'm getting a little jittery. And cranky. It's been too long since I had an entire week off work (last August!!) and I find that about 15 times per day I have snappy (bitchy) little comebacks run through my head that I'd LOVE to say, but can't.

Thank goodness ol' Mamakat has given me a forum to share some of em.

The rules are: say 10 things that you want to say to people, no names allowed. Just for fun, one is to myself. Can you guess which?


1) I know you have been through a lot over the past couple years. But the things you are complaining about now? Are your own doing. You have been playing the martyr for so long that I think you have forgotten how to be happy. Stop the enabling and start being nice to yourself.

2) I am so proud of you and your achievement. It's amazing! And I'm inspired.

3) Please put on some clothes that fit! Your inappropriate manner of dressing makes everyone uncomfortable. And no... nobody finds your breasts nearly as intoxicating as you do. You are not kitchy or hip or ironic. You are pathetic. And your children are watching every move you make.


4) Where did you get this insane idea that you need to lose weight? You should be concerned about being healthy. And having fun.



5) Your friendship has meant a lot to me this past year. I'm so glad we got to know each other better. I don't know if you fully understood what a difficult time I was having last year, but you really helped me to get past it. Did you know how much our time together-- doing silly little trivial things, laughing, being lazy together-- helped? I'll always be grateful for those fond memories.



6) Stop e-mailing me! You were the worst manager I ever worked with! After all the crap you gave me when I worked there, NOW you have the nerve to ask me if I have any idea why you can't retain employees? Here's an idea: I'll tell your supervisor to fire YOU. They should have no problem retaining employees after that.

7) There is a such thing as TOO MUCH planning. Sometimes you just have to put down the how-to books, the calender, and the lists, go out and just do it!!



8) Yes, my friend, I do know the reason you can't find a nice guy. The second one relationship ends, you jump right into another one with whoever shows you attention. Take some time off. There is great value in sitting with your loneliness and doing some serious soul searching. Try that for a while and see what happens.

9) Sarah Palin, you are so stupid you make me ashamed to be female! (ok, one name)

10) You all have made my life a lot easier. I hope you know how much you have helped not only me, but everyone else here. Thank you.

Tuesday's Bad Dates: Movies

I was driving to work yesterday and they were talking about "the top 10 things that women like to do on first dates". It was great for a chuckle. Number ten was "go to the movies." Now I like a good movie as much as the next person. But for a first date, it's just a bad idea. At best, you sit next to each other, not talking for two hours and stare at a screen. (then again, maybe you DON'T want to get to know each other) At worst...you end up in Jeepgirl Date Land!

Any of the following may actually happen to you:

1) You fall asleep during the movie
That happened on my first date with my very first real boyfriend! It wasn't even a boring movie -- it was Lethal Weapon! But I had a long day and I just couldn't keep my eyes open. Fortunately, it didn't dampen things too much (I did say he was my first real boyfriend) But I can't guarantee that other guys wouldn't be offended by snoring on the first date.

2) You go to a BAD first date movie
I once on a first date and we saw "South Park, the Movie". Um, yeah. That's really a rental for a whole bunch of your close friends with pizza and lots of alcohol. Not for a first date. Especially when the level of discomfort is multiplied exponentially by the number of seven and eight year olds in the audience whose parents don't seem to find penis jokes inappropriate for third graders.

3) Maybe it's not the movie, it's just your different tastes
This wasn't a FIRST date...though it was a last date. We went to see "Mystery Men". The theater was about 3/4 full. NOBODY in the entire theater was laughing. Except me. And one other guy about three rows ahead. And we weren't just laughing. We were laughing-so-hard-we-were-crying, stomach-ache, gasping-for-breath laughing. Just two people. One of which was not my date. On an up note, I did go back to see this movie again in order to catch all the jokes I missed from laughing too hard; I went with the other laughing guy. He lived in my building. Oh....and put "Mystery Men" on your Netflix queue. So if you know what I was laughing at.

4) Sometimes you are in a chatty mood
You know how when you watch movies with your friends at home you come up with the FUNNIEST things to yell at the TV? Ever do it in a movie theater? I have on occasion. Sometimes the crowd isn't very receptive. So I shut up. But other times, everyone else just joins in on the fun and it's like a party.

I was in the midst of such a receptive crowd on one first date when we went to see "The Matrix". Unfortunately, my date wasn't all that receptive. But I'm sorry -- when you ask the whole theater "How come in the future, people always wear black trench coats and sunglasses?" and you get at least 8 responses "To protect against the nuclear fallout", "Sunscreen shortage", "Black is timeless, and always slimming" -- that's just pure family fun! And c'mon! Nobody can keep quiet when Keanu Reeves says "Whoa!"

5) Sometimes the movie crushes your spirit
I was seeing "The Truth About Cats and Dogs" with my boyfriend and I said "I think I'm taller than Janeane Garafolo." He said "No, I'm pretty sure you're not."

But as the movie went on and I saw her standing next to Uma Thurman and whoever that guy with the British accent was, I KNEW. She's about 4'10". Look at her! I'm WAY taller than her. I said as much.

Until that one scene where she said she gain 40 pound in college, but what's worse is she's 5'1".

"DAMN IT!" I screamed at the screen as my boyfriend smiled smugly over at me.

Stupid Janeane Garafolo!

Movies suck.

baskets and baskets of stuff

Last week, I neglected my weekly "operation shit-sling" post, as I had a pounding headache and the only thing I wanted to think of getting rid of was, well, the headache. This week, I'm feeling better, though a bit antsy -- one more week of work until my vacation. Or, staycation, as all my plans fell through. That's ok, though. Lots of stuff to around here. And really? Is there any better place to be in August than Cape Cod? Not that I know of.

July 27: This week, I was moving on to the front entryway type place. First thing I did was go through the basket of coupons I keep there and throw away all the expired ones.

July 28: Then I went through the little basket with sunglasses and took out a pair that just look weird on my face. Put those in the donation bag. (In case you're wondering why I have a BASKET of sunglasses, it's because last year in a triathlon swag bag, I got a coupon for free sunglasses. So I filled it out and sent it in. Then they kept sending me sunglasses. Again and again. Until I finally just started writing "return to sender" on the boxes and sending them back. How many pairs of sunglasses does one person need?

July 29: All those baskets? Are sitting on a bookcase. So I looked down. At the overabundance of books I have. And thought of how when I walk up the stairs to my apartment, I see the overflowing bookshelf every day and kind of groan at how messy it is. So today I pulled out a book. That I've kept "for reference". I had little stickies on pages so I could go right back to the info I wanted. But today I opened to the stickies...and photocopied the pages I wanted to save. Then put the book in a donation bag. Ten pages in a file folder is much neater than an entire book on the shelf.

July 30- Aug 2: And then each day thereafter, I pulled another book off the shelf and put it in the bag. It felt really freeing to just give myself permission to get rid of the books, even though people had given them to me. And I may actually like the books. But I got to many. And I can get James Patterson, John Grisham, and Robin Cook at the library. Easily. Besides, we are having a books sale at work to raise money for something. And hardcover best sellers will go quick.

And here we are into August! I moved from the front entryway to the living room-type-area. (I saw a video blog post a while back where somebody showed a room in their house. Maybe I should do that at some point for the Garaje Mahal?) Anyway..

Aug 3: Magazine basket! Pulled out a few for the waiting room at work and a few for the cardio room at the gym.

Aug 4: With that fresh sigh of relief from getting rid of books still in my mind, I hit the project box and threw away a couple things I'm just not ever going to get around to doing. I just won't.

Aug 5: Laundry time. I have a pair of capri's that are just too big. They were too big two years ago when I was bigger (yet only 3 pounds heavier) I just kept them because they were both summery and work appropriate. But not when they almost fall off at work, as they (almost) did last week! Donate!

Aug 6: Under the coffee table are another two baskets (maybe the solution to my clutter problem is to banish baskets from my house!) One basket has books (go figure). So today I pulled three more books out and put them in the donation bag.

Aug 7 - Aug 9: The other basket has exercise DVD's and VHS tapes. I pulled out one per day for three days for the donation bag. I'm not sure if outdated exercise routines will go as quickly as hardcover James Patterson, but I guess we'll find out!

LAZY DAY

Today, I did something I never do: I allowed myself a day of "downtime". I'm always on my way somewhere to do something or working to cross things off my never ending to do list. Today started out that way, as well. But something happened at the farmer's market while I was stocking up on tomatoes and squash and organic edamame-dearest-hummus and eggplant caviar; I decided that I wanted to just enjoy my vegetables and the sunshine and the perfect not-too-hot-not-too-cold temperature.

I finished my morning errands and stopped by my parents house to say hi. I went home and had a nice lunch while watching the learning channel. I loaded up the 6 or so books that I am simultaneously reading and spread them out around my towel as I sat in the sun and read. Then I went for a swim across the pond. Unlike my other swims, I focused not on form or speed or why the heck can't I swim in a straight line in the open water, but on how wonderful it feels to swim. I really love swimming.

This evening, I picked up my place and watched chick flicks on tv.

Sometimes it feels good to just BE and ENJOY.

tuesday's bad dates...Ned

It has come to my attention that I have been lax with my Bad Dates posts. Call it laziness, or no motivation, or boredom. But this week, all of a sudden, I snapped out of it. (I would have posted yesterday with my new found energy, but I had a piercing headache right over my left eye. It's better now) So, anyway, let's head back to the horrifying world of dating, Jeepgirl style.



Yesterday, I was at a class in Providence, RI. The course instructor mentioned off-hand that her fiance had to check out of the room at 1:00 and hang out until 5:00 when the class ended. At lunch, we were joking that he should go down the road to "The Foxy Lady" to pass the time. (I'll let y'all guess what an establishment named "The Foxy Lady" has inside) And I was reminded of a blind date that my friend, Isabella went on. (I have to say, she may actually have worse luck than me)



Anyway, Isabelle's sister's boyfriend had a single friend, Ned. They decided that since he was single and Isabelle was single, then -- presto -- they would be perfect for each other. After all, they knew the same people!



So Ned called up Isabelle and they decided upon a dinner date. He picked her up and brought her to . . . Hooters! Yes, THAT Hooters.



When she mentioned that she wasn't exactly thrilled with his choice of restaurants for a first date, he looked at her blankly and said "What? They have great wings."



Yeah. There wasn't a second date.

August Goals

Well, August has rolled in with a smile and a big ol' dash of yippie yahoo. Today was the best day of summer thus far. I beached it with my two best buddies, hit the gym for a 90 minute workout, then joined the two best buddies for the Harry Potter movie. Good day!

So as I bask in today's afterglow, I'm looking back on July and thinking that I was just really morose. Blah! I'm guessing about half and half with the goals.

1) Complete first Olympic Distance Tri: Check. But boy, was I slow!

2) Weight Loss: OK, not great. I lost 3 pounds in one month. But at least I didn't put on weight. And I'm actually down a pants size. For 3 pounds. I think the laws of mechanics and physics just rearrange themselves when in close proximity to my body.

3) 5 more books from the bookshelf: Done and done. But I need to make sure I stop bringing new books in. My sofa has two (2)! stacks of books on in right now!

4) Online class: Ever feel like your entire life in one giant, never ending to-do list? I did this month. So I put off the online class until next month (August)

5) Complete VHS study courses: About half successful on this one. I completed one class. A couple more still sitting there.

6) Continue decluttering: success. on and on and on with this one.

7) Pilate's Mat Certification: success! And I got the sore abs to go with it.

8) Go rollerblading, kayaking, biking, and boating. everything but the boating.

9) Bonfire on the beach: check

10) Girl's night out: done!

Onward to August, I feel like I need a good old fashioned summer vacation. Of course, I'm still working like a lunatic, so I'm just going to cut back a little on the goals for August.

1) Get my hair cut! Are there any other people on earth who have to put that down as a goal? Don't most people just go and do it? Not me. I don't think I get anything accomplished if I don't keep a list.

2) Three more pounds: I'd just feel a bit better if I was somewhere in the vicinity of my body weight from my 20's.

3) Finish the two book stacks on the sofa

4) Online class

5)Continue decluttering

6) Step up the running mileage for marathon in October

7) Go boating with J, K, Nerd, and his sister

8) Submit proposal for new clinic procedures in work

9) PR for sprint tri

10) Go Hiking

Happy August, all!