One of the great consistencies in my life is this: I take on too much. If I start working in a clinic that barely has enough patients for one person, I set about building a patient load and before long, there is enough work for three or more people. If I go to a bookstore or library, I bring home more books than I could ever read in a reasonable amount of time. If I have any stretch of time that sprawls out before me empty, before long I have more projects and events than can possibly fit. And of course I set a ridiculous amount of goals.
Lately, I have been feeling like my life is a treadmill, set one notch too fast. I can go comfortably along if I just keep running until I just can't keep up the pace. Then I do a strange little hop-jump-run maneuver to propel myself forward just enough to resume the running speed. Until I can't keep up the pace. And so on.
I'm not sure why I do this to myself. I think that maybe I have a missing gene or something. "The contentment gene." I can never be content with where I am now. I am forever focused on where I am moving toward, what I am striving for, who I want to become. Or maybe that is where my contentment comes from -- the journey.
This past weekend, I had this overwhelming sense of nostalgia. I felt the way I did when I was in college. So many classes, assignments, events, work shifts. So little time. Also...the sense of impermanence. The "this is where I need to be right now to get ahead in my life, but this is not where I will be forever" feeling. The "real life begins after I get this done" feeling.
Possibly, this whole nostalgia is really from two Friday night phone conversations: one with Nerd and one with No-Potential P, both of whom have returned to grad school and were feeling a bit lame because their Friday nights were spent reading textbooks. Or possibly because the informal college reunion at the Big E I had been trying to organize with friends officially imploded. But whatever the cause, the sense of urgency and importance that I always associate with my college years surrounded me all weekend.
Finding balance. Finding contentment. Deciding what need to continue and what I can let go. Maybe that's what living in "the real world is all about." I understand that.
But still I keep juggling plates.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Another item on the life list down
Last night I went on a pilgrimage to (finally!) worship at the church of Bono. And what an arduous journey it was! In order to get to the cathedral (Gillette Stadium), we spent what felt like 40 days and 40 nights on route 495. However, I did learn that if I ever need to, I have a natural ability to make people follow my lead. After I couldn't stand it any longer and ran into the woods, the breakdown lane was literally filled with people running towards carloads of friends after THEIR trips to the woods. (I'm awesome)
When we finally completed the journey (and forked over $40 dollars to park) we climbed the greatest of heights to our heavenly (nosebleed) seats. The show started and it was like being baptised in the fountain of youth. Remember being in college and sneaking from your cheap seats up to the front when the security guard turned his back? Well, it's still just as fun and exciting years later. Let me tell you, section 105 was a giant love fest, full of section 320's ticket holders squashed into any empty seat available.
Don't get judgemental here -- it was absolutely necessary! Our original seats had terrible acoustics. Completely unfit for listening to the chosen ones! Besides, I'm pretty sure the original ticket holders for section 105 were down in the VIP section, squashed into any empty section of field available. (And one VIP actually made it up on stage! The holy grail of U2 experiences!)
So there we were -- in our wonderful seats with great acoustics! It was mesmerizing. Hypnotizing even! I'm not saying that I was brainwashed by the shimmering rings of the Edge's guitar and Bono's haunting passionate singing...but about halfway through the show, I came up with a completely new plan for the rest of my life. Immediately upon returning home, I was going to cash out my 401k and clean out my savings to send to starving orphans with AIDS in the Sudan. Then, I was going to get rid of my jeep and all my shoes, shave my head, and walk barefoot up a mountain to sit at the summit and be at one with the universe. It was just about the best idea I'd ever had!
Then came the encore. Bono came out wearing a jacket covered with red and white flashing LED lights and sang into a flying light-up microphone that looked like a mini-megaphone. Really Bono? I'd just assumed that any self respecting musician would want to avoid ANY possible comparison to David Hasselhoff's German performances. I immediately abandoned my previous plan decided that instead, I'd just get a bacon double cheeseburger and chocolate shake to consume on the way home.
As it was, I didn't do either. 'Cause getting out of the parking lot was even harder than getting in. By the time we exited, nothing was open. I just settled for a big glass of water and some prophylactic tylenol before bed. I drifted off to sleep with visions of the giant rotating disco ball atop a spaceship.
"Sleep comes like a drug, in God's country"
(Sigh. I can't wait to finally worship at the church of Bruce.)
When we finally completed the journey (and forked over $40 dollars to park) we climbed the greatest of heights to our heavenly (nosebleed) seats. The show started and it was like being baptised in the fountain of youth. Remember being in college and sneaking from your cheap seats up to the front when the security guard turned his back? Well, it's still just as fun and exciting years later. Let me tell you, section 105 was a giant love fest, full of section 320's ticket holders squashed into any empty seat available.
Don't get judgemental here -- it was absolutely necessary! Our original seats had terrible acoustics. Completely unfit for listening to the chosen ones! Besides, I'm pretty sure the original ticket holders for section 105 were down in the VIP section, squashed into any empty section of field available. (And one VIP actually made it up on stage! The holy grail of U2 experiences!)
So there we were -- in our wonderful seats with great acoustics! It was mesmerizing. Hypnotizing even! I'm not saying that I was brainwashed by the shimmering rings of the Edge's guitar and Bono's haunting passionate singing...but about halfway through the show, I came up with a completely new plan for the rest of my life. Immediately upon returning home, I was going to cash out my 401k and clean out my savings to send to starving orphans with AIDS in the Sudan. Then, I was going to get rid of my jeep and all my shoes, shave my head, and walk barefoot up a mountain to sit at the summit and be at one with the universe. It was just about the best idea I'd ever had!
Then came the encore. Bono came out wearing a jacket covered with red and white flashing LED lights and sang into a flying light-up microphone that looked like a mini-megaphone. Really Bono? I'd just assumed that any self respecting musician would want to avoid ANY possible comparison to David Hasselhoff's German performances. I immediately abandoned my previous plan decided that instead, I'd just get a bacon double cheeseburger and chocolate shake to consume on the way home.
As it was, I didn't do either. 'Cause getting out of the parking lot was even harder than getting in. By the time we exited, nothing was open. I just settled for a big glass of water and some prophylactic tylenol before bed. I drifted off to sleep with visions of the giant rotating disco ball atop a spaceship.
"Sleep comes like a drug, in God's country"
(Sigh. I can't wait to finally worship at the church of Bruce.)
Friday, September 18, 2009
CURRENT ADDICTIONS
September is skipping on by, and I seem to be surrounding myself with the following addictions:
My MBTs! What started out as a drunken purchase, turned into one of my favorite little sneaky workouts!
Fleecie socks! It's still nice during the day, but at night, the cool air is creeping in and making my toe-sies rather coldsy! With these babies, my toe-sie are toasty!
With several duffel bags for gym stuff, swim stuff, beach stuff, and extra clothes in the front hallway, with several pairs of sneakers in the shoe basket, and with a less than water-tight Jeep on a very rainy summer, Febreze has become less of a luxury and more of a necessity!
PB & J!! I bought some organic peanut butter, some all natural jam, and some all grain bread. I made a bunch of these, wrapped em up and threw em in the freezer. Now I just take one out at night, put in on the counter, and by morning, breakfast is ready. I'm sure there are healthier breakfasts out there, but none easier than make me as happy!
Colin Hay! Saw him a couple weeks ago and I've had the CD on perma-play in Jeepie-Jeep ever since!
My MBTs! What started out as a drunken purchase, turned into one of my favorite little sneaky workouts!
Fleecie socks! It's still nice during the day, but at night, the cool air is creeping in and making my toe-sies rather coldsy! With these babies, my toe-sie are toasty!
With several duffel bags for gym stuff, swim stuff, beach stuff, and extra clothes in the front hallway, with several pairs of sneakers in the shoe basket, and with a less than water-tight Jeep on a very rainy summer, Febreze has become less of a luxury and more of a necessity!
PB & J!! I bought some organic peanut butter, some all natural jam, and some all grain bread. I made a bunch of these, wrapped em up and threw em in the freezer. Now I just take one out at night, put in on the counter, and by morning, breakfast is ready. I'm sure there are healthier breakfasts out there, but none easier than make me as happy!
Colin Hay! Saw him a couple weeks ago and I've had the CD on perma-play in Jeepie-Jeep ever since!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
weekly writing assignment
It's time for MamaKat's writing prompt! If you haven't jumped on the bandwagon, well, you should. It's fun and all the cool kids are doing it.
Anyway, this week I chose prompt #5: If you could choose only three things in life and focus on them fully what would they be?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The other night, J and I were watching a DVR'd episode of Miami Ink. In it, a guy got a tattoo of the words "Risk Everything" across his shoulders. J turned to me and said: "If it were me, I'd get a tattoo that read 'Risk Nothing'."
We laughed, of course, even though she was only half kidding. J is the kind of person who has to be organized and in control at all times. She is, without a doubt, the most organized person I know. She goes shopping each week and buys the exact same articles of food. The cabinets are arranged in perfectly straight rows of cans and boxes and Tupperware containers. There are Monday meals and Tuesday meals and every other day of the week meals. I wish I could be as organized as she is. But not really.
See, organization is very important to her. As is security. And comfort. She and I are are alike in so many ways, but so different in others. Keeping an orderly and organized home, making sure everything is clean and working properly and in it's place, curling up on the sofa with a nice cozy blanket -- those are the things she occupies her time with. And though I like to be able to find my keys in the morning and live in a home that isn't covered with dust, cleanliness and organization just aren't that important to me. And though last Saturday, when it was pouring rain, I was sooo happy to put on my sweats and watch TV on the sofa, comfort is merely incidental in my life. These are not the things I could focus upon.
To me, uncertainty makes life worth living. The idea of knowing what I will eat every day, where I will be every night, how long every item I own will last; that makes me uneasy. The mere thought makes me suffocate!
I aspire to have a life filled with adventure. Why sit on the sofa and watch the travel channel when you can get on a plane and travel there yourself? Why stay in a comfortable hotel when you can stay in a bed and breakfast with people who live there? Or a hostel? A tent? A yurt? Of course I plan my trips, pouring over Lonely Planet and Frommer's, but the plans are always flexible. A little more time here, a little less there; there's always a chance we have to spend a night sleeping in the car because the change in plans left us without a hotel room. But at the end of the day, that's better than a comfortable hotel room and a few day excursion and WAY better than a night on the sofa in front of the TV.
It's also very important for me to focus on exercise and health. It rather bothers me that sometimes these endeavors are presented in a superficial way. Yes, exercise will change your body shape, help you to lose weight, and maybe clothes will look better on you. But the real purpose of exercise is to allow you to live life to the fullest! I'm amazed at how incredibly our bodies operate, if we only take care of them. I so wish that more people would respectfully take care of their own bodies -- not as an act of selfishness, but as an act of celebration. Life really is better when you're healthy.
There are so many places I want to visit. So many mountains I want to climb, so many oceans I want to dive in, so many races I wish to run. And there are so many topics I want to learn more about. Do we ever stop learning? I certainly hope not. I often say that if I won the megabucks, I'd have degree in everything. And I probably still wouldn't know nearly as much as I wanted to. (Maybe that's why I seem to be attracted to nerds, geeks, and dorks!) Either they share my live of learning, or they serve as a mobile encyclopedia. Maybe I just need to get a blackberry so I can google anything at any time.
The good news is I'm doing my best to build a life of adventure, health, and education as we speak. Maybe years from now, I can write a blog post about how I focused fully on these area without having to give up a thing!
Anyway, this week I chose prompt #5: If you could choose only three things in life and focus on them fully what would they be?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The other night, J and I were watching a DVR'd episode of Miami Ink. In it, a guy got a tattoo of the words "Risk Everything" across his shoulders. J turned to me and said: "If it were me, I'd get a tattoo that read 'Risk Nothing'."
We laughed, of course, even though she was only half kidding. J is the kind of person who has to be organized and in control at all times. She is, without a doubt, the most organized person I know. She goes shopping each week and buys the exact same articles of food. The cabinets are arranged in perfectly straight rows of cans and boxes and Tupperware containers. There are Monday meals and Tuesday meals and every other day of the week meals. I wish I could be as organized as she is. But not really.
See, organization is very important to her. As is security. And comfort. She and I are are alike in so many ways, but so different in others. Keeping an orderly and organized home, making sure everything is clean and working properly and in it's place, curling up on the sofa with a nice cozy blanket -- those are the things she occupies her time with. And though I like to be able to find my keys in the morning and live in a home that isn't covered with dust, cleanliness and organization just aren't that important to me. And though last Saturday, when it was pouring rain, I was sooo happy to put on my sweats and watch TV on the sofa, comfort is merely incidental in my life. These are not the things I could focus upon.
To me, uncertainty makes life worth living. The idea of knowing what I will eat every day, where I will be every night, how long every item I own will last; that makes me uneasy. The mere thought makes me suffocate!
I aspire to have a life filled with adventure. Why sit on the sofa and watch the travel channel when you can get on a plane and travel there yourself? Why stay in a comfortable hotel when you can stay in a bed and breakfast with people who live there? Or a hostel? A tent? A yurt? Of course I plan my trips, pouring over Lonely Planet and Frommer's, but the plans are always flexible. A little more time here, a little less there; there's always a chance we have to spend a night sleeping in the car because the change in plans left us without a hotel room. But at the end of the day, that's better than a comfortable hotel room and a few day excursion and WAY better than a night on the sofa in front of the TV.
It's also very important for me to focus on exercise and health. It rather bothers me that sometimes these endeavors are presented in a superficial way. Yes, exercise will change your body shape, help you to lose weight, and maybe clothes will look better on you. But the real purpose of exercise is to allow you to live life to the fullest! I'm amazed at how incredibly our bodies operate, if we only take care of them. I so wish that more people would respectfully take care of their own bodies -- not as an act of selfishness, but as an act of celebration. Life really is better when you're healthy.
There are so many places I want to visit. So many mountains I want to climb, so many oceans I want to dive in, so many races I wish to run. And there are so many topics I want to learn more about. Do we ever stop learning? I certainly hope not. I often say that if I won the megabucks, I'd have degree in everything. And I probably still wouldn't know nearly as much as I wanted to. (Maybe that's why I seem to be attracted to nerds, geeks, and dorks!) Either they share my live of learning, or they serve as a mobile encyclopedia. Maybe I just need to get a blackberry so I can google anything at any time.
The good news is I'm doing my best to build a life of adventure, health, and education as we speak. Maybe years from now, I can write a blog post about how I focused fully on these area without having to give up a thing!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
By popular demand, numerology
As I said in the post from 09/09/09, I did a little numerology thing. Not very enlightening in my opinion, but fun. And much better than reality TV!
TO CALCULATE YOUR NUMBER:
Look at the chart to determine the number value for each letter. Then add all the numbers together. Keep adding the numbers together until you come up with a single digit. For instance, if all the letters from your name added up to 147, you would add 1+4+7= 12; 1+2=3 So your numerology number is 3. Get it?
THE CHART:
1 = A, J, S
2= B, K, T
3= C, L, U
4 = D, M, V
5 = E, N, W
6 = F, O, X
7 = G, P, Y
8 = H, Q, Z
9 = I, R
THE NUMBERS:
1= Strong willed and independent, you can be either generous and sensitive ,or jealous and domineering.
2 = Sympathetic and gentle, you have an understanding nature and are a good diplomat, creative yet often putting love before work
3 = Charming and happy, energetic and creative. You are ambitious and work realistically to achieve you goals.
4 = Practical and straightforward, you achieve your goals through a mixture of caution, dedication, stubbornness and practicality.
5 = Lively and temperamental, you need action and variety. Life is an adventure, and you need stimulation.
6 = Caring, reliable, and artistic, you enjoy the good things in life. You can be too trusting, but are protective of those you care about.
7 = Quiet and intelligent, you love beauty and a sense of order. You may be a loner, not liking authority.
8 = Charming and successful, you can be dynamic and passionate, but also very spiritual
9 = Down to earth and tolerant, often keeping your true feelings hidden, you need to concentrate on your strong emotional and sensitive nature.
According to the chart, I am a 4. But I see myself as a 5.
TO CALCULATE YOUR NUMBER:
Look at the chart to determine the number value for each letter. Then add all the numbers together. Keep adding the numbers together until you come up with a single digit. For instance, if all the letters from your name added up to 147, you would add 1+4+7= 12; 1+2=3 So your numerology number is 3. Get it?
THE CHART:
1 = A, J, S
2= B, K, T
3= C, L, U
4 = D, M, V
5 = E, N, W
6 = F, O, X
7 = G, P, Y
8 = H, Q, Z
9 = I, R
THE NUMBERS:
1= Strong willed and independent, you can be either generous and sensitive ,or jealous and domineering.
2 = Sympathetic and gentle, you have an understanding nature and are a good diplomat, creative yet often putting love before work
3 = Charming and happy, energetic and creative. You are ambitious and work realistically to achieve you goals.
4 = Practical and straightforward, you achieve your goals through a mixture of caution, dedication, stubbornness and practicality.
5 = Lively and temperamental, you need action and variety. Life is an adventure, and you need stimulation.
6 = Caring, reliable, and artistic, you enjoy the good things in life. You can be too trusting, but are protective of those you care about.
7 = Quiet and intelligent, you love beauty and a sense of order. You may be a loner, not liking authority.
8 = Charming and successful, you can be dynamic and passionate, but also very spiritual
9 = Down to earth and tolerant, often keeping your true feelings hidden, you need to concentrate on your strong emotional and sensitive nature.
According to the chart, I am a 4. But I see myself as a 5.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Random Thoughts
Random thoughts on a TUESDAY
1) I think I want a job on the road crew that is fixing the Sagamore Bridge. As far as I can tell, the only job requirments would be to sit on your duff and drink coffee while the traffic backs up for miles
2) Who the frick is Kanye West, does anyone over the age of 10 listen to Taylor Swift, and exactly WHY should I give a crap about either of them?
3) As much as I am mourning the departure of summer, fall is really nice. Especially in New England.
4) I want to go hiking.
5) With the general buzz in work today about the return of The Biggest Loser I decided to tune in and give it another try. But it really has gone from a good idea to just about the most ridiculous show in the history of mankind. Calling Jillian Michaels "a good trainer" is like calling Dr Phil "a good psychiatrist."
1) I think I want a job on the road crew that is fixing the Sagamore Bridge. As far as I can tell, the only job requirments would be to sit on your duff and drink coffee while the traffic backs up for miles
2) Who the frick is Kanye West, does anyone over the age of 10 listen to Taylor Swift, and exactly WHY should I give a crap about either of them?
3) As much as I am mourning the departure of summer, fall is really nice. Especially in New England.
4) I want to go hiking.
5) With the general buzz in work today about the return of The Biggest Loser I decided to tune in and give it another try. But it really has gone from a good idea to just about the most ridiculous show in the history of mankind. Calling Jillian Michaels "a good trainer" is like calling Dr Phil "a good psychiatrist."
Monday, September 14, 2009
decluttering and maintaining
One of the things I am discovering in the decluttering process is that some parts of the house merely require maintenance, while others require full fledged shit-slinging!
The living room area is in the maintenance phase.
Sept 8: Under the coffee table, I have a basket with exercise DVDs and equipment. I had the packaging to my "jungle gym" which I had been saving in case I wanted to return it. Except: I LOVE IT!! So today, I threw out the packaging.
Sept 9: In the magazine basket, I gathered all the catalogs. I ordered the stuff I was saving the catalogs for (X mas is only 3 months away, eh?) and then threw those out, too.
Sept 10: Today, I pulled out some magazines to bring to the gym.
Sept 11: I had a couple shoe boxes that I had set aside for...some reason. Seeing that I can't remember the reason I was saving them for, I felt pretty ok putting them in the recycling.
Sept 12: Brought the bag of clothes to the donation center today.
Sept 13: Went through all the piles on the coffee table: paid the bills, filed the filing, returned everything that needed returning, and threw out anything I didn't need.
Sept 14: Cleaned under the sofa and threw out a bunch of old cards I had in a box under there.
Just keeping it all under c0ntrol! Next week onto the front hallway.
The living room area is in the maintenance phase.
Sept 8: Under the coffee table, I have a basket with exercise DVDs and equipment. I had the packaging to my "jungle gym" which I had been saving in case I wanted to return it. Except: I LOVE IT!! So today, I threw out the packaging.
Sept 9: In the magazine basket, I gathered all the catalogs. I ordered the stuff I was saving the catalogs for (X mas is only 3 months away, eh?) and then threw those out, too.
Sept 10: Today, I pulled out some magazines to bring to the gym.
Sept 11: I had a couple shoe boxes that I had set aside for...some reason. Seeing that I can't remember the reason I was saving them for, I felt pretty ok putting them in the recycling.
Sept 12: Brought the bag of clothes to the donation center today.
Sept 13: Went through all the piles on the coffee table: paid the bills, filed the filing, returned everything that needed returning, and threw out anything I didn't need.
Sept 14: Cleaned under the sofa and threw out a bunch of old cards I had in a box under there.
Just keeping it all under c0ntrol! Next week onto the front hallway.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)