FIRST THINGS FIRST

 1) ESTABLISH A REGULAR WRITING PRACTICE

I used to write. A lot. I mean, I never had a book deal or best-seller-that-was-made-into-a-blockbuster-movie. I never met Oprah or Reese. I never received any prestigious awards for my musings.

But I did have a blog. A journaling practice. And a consistent email letter. I wrote about my life,   my perspective on the world, my hopes for the future, and maybe some jokes thrown in there. Anyway, people liked it. I liked it, too. My writing practice wasn't much, but it was enough.

The most wonderful thing about writing is that you can really discover who you are when you write consistently. Or I could, anyway. Many years ago, I sort of lost myself. I was spending my life running around and jumping through hoops, trying to meet other people's expectations. Then everything I had been working so hard to accomplish fell apart, despite all my effort. And I found myself floundering. I had no idea what I wanted or even who I was anymore. 

So I started to write. 

At first it was just a bunch of steam-of-consciousness babbling that went round and round. It had no clear purpose or point. A brain dump, really, just to get the circular thinking out of my head and onto the page.

As time went on,  I found I could think more clearly, and write more purposefully. And eventually, blogging became a writing playground. It was fun. It was a place to explore and try new things. Also, a place to make friends. 

Best of all, I found a voice again. I found my way back to myself, my goals and dreams and how I wanted my life to unfold. All through writing. 

I'm almost embarrassed at how easily I dropped the practice of writing. Like- "Oh, hey! I'm better now! I don't need to do this anymore."  I don't think it works that way, though. Writing isn't like college where you graduate and move on. I believe it's more like brushing your teeth. If you want to keep your pearly whites, you have to brush consistently; if you want to keep your sense of self, you have to write.

Which leads me back to Thing 1of the 52 Things. (I feel like there's a Cat in the Hat joke in here somewhere that I just can't grasp) Getting back into a consistent writing practice - journaling, blogging, and writing to friends and family - is top of the list for this year. 

I know I'm in here somewhere, I'm gonna write my way back out. 

THE PLAN

 It's one thing to SAY you're going to make some changes. It's quite another to actually follow through. My apartment is filled with half finished projects and books, magazines, gadgets and gear purchased with the best of intentions but now sit gathering dust and cobwebs. 

In my defense, of course, I just haven't had any spare time in the past couple years. I have more time now. 

Whenever I see someone else's summaries of great changes they've made, they start out with elaborate explanations of their plan.  There are spreadsheets, multiple phases, criteria for advancing to each phase, and mountains of research to back it all up.

I figure, if you are organized and motivated enough to produce such an elaborate plan, you probably don't need to change all that much.

Me? I did a brain dump. 

I came across an idea to forego resolutions in lieu of a list of "22 things to accomplish in 2022". I decided to take it a step further. "52 things to accomplish at 52"   And since there are 52 weeks in a year, I can strive for one thing a week. Ish. 

I mean, some of the things are long term endeavors, which must wait several weeks or months or even the entire year to complete. At the same time, sprinkling a few short, easy wins into the mix could be a self esteem booster. 

We'll see how it goes. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

 Happy Birthday to Me.

I have completed another trip around the sun. It was the worst trip I've ever had.

I'm not alone in my misery over the past couple years. It's been a rough two years for just about everyone. Especially for health care workers, like myself. And even more so when taking care of a parent with a chronic illness, like me. It was the trifecta of suffering. 

So here I am, on my 52nd birthday (52! WTF???) feeling like I have no idea who I am. I've spent so much time in the past several months taking care of everyone else, putting everything else before my own needs, working long hours in less-than-ideal circumstances that I feel like an empty shell. Everything I thought I was seems to have leaked out somehow. And it's been replaced by sarcasm, cynicism , and simmering anger that sits right below the surface.

 I don't like being like this. It's not me. I don't want to be like this anymore.

The thing is- I've been down this road before. I've been lost before. I've been disillusioned. I've been stuck.  And I've always found a way through. 

Which is what I need to do over this next year. I need to find my way back to myself.  

So at the end of my NEXT trip around the sun, I'll arrive with a lot less baggage.  

February Goals

Happy February! 

Normally, I'm pretty down this time of year, my happiness beaten into submission from too many hours of shoveling, perpetually wet socks, and a salt-stained car. But this year, winter has been incredibly mild. February seems almost like a gateway to spring. And I'm flying high at the thought.

Of course, this is New England, and this will very likely come crashing down on my head with a big ol' blizzard. But now, I'm happy.

Even more happy because its the first day of the month and that means:

FEBRUARY GOALS:

1) MEDITATE DAILY: One of my more zen-like friends came up with this little challenge and I'm jumping on the bandwagon with a bunch of other mutual friends. Meditation, to me, is one of those things I know I SHOULD do, but never quite get around to. So we'll see. One day down, already, though, so there's that.

2) READ 4 MORE BOOKS: Still plugging away with the one book a week thing. It's kind of mixed in with my decluttering goals, since my biggest weakness is books. And I got too many of them. I toyed with the idea of doing specific subjects: each month doing a fiction book, a career-minded book, a self-help book, and a wild card. And then I just grabbed whatever struck my fancy.

3) EMAIL PURGE: Go through all the folders in my email account to purge, streamline, and otherwise organize it all.

4) ONE ROAD RACE: Over the past couple years, because of a number of things in life, I fell out of the habit of running and racing. It shows! Not only did I put on a bunch of weight, but I feel very disjointed and unmotivated. I started the year off by doing a daily outdoor run of 1 mile or more (and the weather was very cooperative). It's a good start, but I'm still hauling myself out to do it as if it were a giant chore, instead of the joy that running can be! Time to put some fun races back in the mix. I'm starting with a 5k. *sigh* Gotta start somewhere

5) MEAL PLANNING: Along with the no running fiasco of the past couple years, came the stress eating and grab-and-go mentality diet. I've been - well- a bit better in the new year, but not great. That's the thing! I need to write it down and make a goal and just do it! So I'm gonna be one of those annoying co-workers with her special divided containers this month. I can't wait!

6) REALLY LEARN ROSIE'S CAPACITIES: My still new-enough-to-call-new computer has been treating me well for the mundane tasks that we all need computers for: email, social media, online applications and the such, back to blogging. Yet at the same time, I've been in a fight with the cloud for the past two weeks, and I can't really figure out if my computer ringing when I get a phone call is just to annoy me or can I actually answer from the keyboard? Time to take that apple class and so Rosie and I can become BFFs.

7) GET TOGETHER WITH SOME OLD FRIENDS: again. Some different ones. We live close enough, we just don't make the time

8) EXPLORE SOME LOCAL PARKS:  So now, I'm living right on Cape Cod, and its not summer, which means I can get from point A to point B without sitting in traffic! And though its not summer weather, there's still plenty of outdoorsy type pursuits I can take on in a small way. I drive by too many cool places on my way to and from work each day to not actually do some exploring.

and speaking of outdoor exploring:

9) HIKE ON THE BAY CIRCUIT TRAIL: Thru hiking has really become my sole purpose in life, but sometimes responsibilities  limited the off from work make an epic long hike and impossibility. Enter section hikes! The next on my list is the Bay Circuit Trail, which has the added plus of no big travel. I'm hoping to complete it in 2 years with weekend hikes.

10) CLEAN AND DETAIL THE CAR; I essentially drive a mobile trash heap. Its disgusting and needs to stop

February, let's dance!

January Goals

Ok, so I failed miserably in the month of January. 
I had this great idea that I was gonna blog every day in January.
That did not happen.

But it's not my fault.

It's a little my fault.

But not totally.

It all started on New Years Day. (when I actually got up early and went for a run) Back home, there was no power. Later, after my freezing cold shower, I found out the reason... some partiers had collided with a telephone pole on New Years Eve and knocked out all the power. For 3 days. WTF? And why do we still have telephone poles? Aren't the cables all supposed to be underground now?

Anyway, we did get power back but then my computer crapped the bed.  I had to go get a new one. I had been planning on it for a while, since my old computer was really starting to go slow and the battery pretty much was non existent. (It had to be plugged in all the time).  So I had a few days with electricity but no computer until the weekend when I went and got myself a bright, shiny, new Mac. It's pretty and pink! (They call it Rose-Gold, but whatever. It's pink)

And when I was all settled with my new computer (I call her Rosie) and a power source...my mom got a UTI and then my Dad went in the hospital for 3 days and then went back to the ER a week later and then I was....tired.  And playing catch up for the rest of January. (They are both fine, by the way)

So now, here it is. January 31. I have electricity. And a computer named Rosie. And my parents are doing well. And I have a bit more energy.  Well, at least a ready supply of caffeine and sugar.

But most importantly, it's time for my favorite type of ALL blog posts:  GOALS!!!

1) WINTER WARRIOR CHALLENGE: A local running store had the challenge to run outside every day in the month of January. Success!  (to be fair, there were a few days where I didn't RUN, but WALKED- but those were all 6-10 walks so its all good)

2) READ 1 BOOK A WEEK:  DONE!   

3) HANG OUT WITH A FRIEND I HAVEN'T SEEN IN A WHILE: YEP! One of those epic long walks was with my ol' buddy Wheelie and his cool motorized beach chair. On a 50 degree day in January. Good day

4) DECLUTTERING! PURGE ONE THING A DAY FOR 31 DAYS:  SUCCESS! Incidentally, I don't have a lot of stuff. So why do I have so much stuff?  And do I have a weird obsession with getting rid of stuff?

5) GO TO VERIZON AND GET MY DAMN CELL PHONE BILL LOWERED: FINALLY!  I really can use that extra $20 a month

6) GET TWO PROTOCOLS COMPLETED AT WORK FOR PATIENT CARE: Done.  I know...ZZZZZZZZZ. But needed.

7) COMPLETE ONLINE APPLICATIONS FOR SUMMER PLANS: Finished. All I have to do is wait for the response. Fingers crossed!

8) BLOG DAILY IN JANUARY.  Wellll.........



Overall, a pretty damn good month. Especially since I had a quite a few obstacles thrown in my path.
And tomorrow, I will be up early, posting goals for February! 

Or hitting the snooze alarm 10 times. Whichever.

The Big One!

There’s another thing that’s lead me back to the page. Not just a new year. Not just a new decade. (And incidentally, I’ve been seeing a whole bunch of “the 20’s are starting” memes that are making me want to dress like a flapper and drink like Zelda Fitzgerald!)

But there’s another reason I think I should start the new year roaring! I just had a birthday. I just turned 50. Five-oh. Oh, oh, oh. How the hell did that happen? But here’s the thing- I don’t feel 50. I feel like I’m just hitting my stride. And even though I’ve been a bit slack in the self care department over the past year or so, I’m thinking- this should be my best year yet!

I want to tackle year 50 like Jennifer Lopez!

Look for me in the 2021 Super Bowl halftime show, y’all! I’ll be the one driving a Jeep.

Back Again

Years ago, I started a blog. I had no expectations. I didn’t even really know what a blog was. I just used it as an outlet, a way to express some ideas and get my head on straight. I had been going through a rough patch and sort of lost myself for a while.

The blog turned out to be a wonderful way for me to find myself again. Suddenly, I had a voice again. I had thoughts and dreams and plans and opinions that found their way out on the blog.

And I found some friends along the way, people who turned up every day to read what I had written and whose words I would go and read on their little slice of the Internet.

And then I stopped. I ended up doing many other things that got in the way of blogging:  I thru hiked both the AT and the PCT. I started traveling and worked in North Carolina, Virginia, Arizona. I thru hiked the Arizona Trail. And then I moved back home.

In the midst of all that, my parents started having some health problems. I moved home to help them out a bit more. But somehow, as I spent more and more time helping out my parents, I lost myself again. I feel like for quite some time, I have only existed to help everyone else out.

But as we approach the New Year- the new decade! - I’m determined to find myself again. Back at the blog to write down thoughts, goals, dreams, opinions, plans, and new adventures.

It’s time once again to be JEEP GIRL!