Independence Day

"Come gather 'round people * Wherever you roam * And admit that the waters * Around you have grown * And accept it that soon * You'll be drenched to the bone ** If your time to you is worth savin' * Then you'd better start swimmin' * Or you'll sink like a stone * For the times they are a-changin'" ---Bob Dylan


So July 4th has come and gone and things are good, but very different than they were a year ago. Around Christmastime, the air fills with the sound of that old holiday stand-by: "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year." While some will hear that song and truly believe that Christmastime fits the bill, I'll always think of July 4th when I hear it.

Maybe it's from growing up near the beach. The weather gets warmer, the summer people come back to open up their cottages, and suddenly your pool of friends doubles. The summer friends come back in fits and dribbles, but everyone is sure to be there by July 3rd (the nite of bonfires and bottlerockets in the sand) and July 4th (parade, beach, and fireworks on the waterfront). The excitement never dies, no matter how old I've become.

Or so I thought.

Sometimes it takes an earth-shattering change to make you face what you've been slowly realizing for a while. That the excitement has given way to a been there, done that, sort of resignation. That memories of last year, and the year before, and the year before that, all seem to include you saying: "Well, next year will be better." That you can clearly remember feeling relieved the year you got the flu and had to sit this one out. That many of your friends from years ago have little in common with you anymore except geographic closeness and bonfires on July 3rd.

This year, we skipped July 3rd altogether in lieu of the playground and movie nite in. This year we picked a different spot to watch the parade. This year, July 4th was spent on a different beach with a different group of people and a totally different vibe. This year the fireworks were watched not from the waterfront, but from across the bay on a blanket in the sand with a tiny little fire and an acoustic guitar playing.

This year, I learned that sometimes we do things only because we've done them that way so many times in the past. They aren't necessarily the best things for us now. And when we reach out of that comfort zone, sometimes we discover that there are better things out there, if we just look.

It's time to start looking. It's summertime. The most wonderful time of the year.

Summer day

So today was the day that I took control and decided to live my life the way I want and ignore the rest of the drama. Rollerbladed 9 miles along the canal in the am, went to the farmer's market (very low turnout of vendors today, I'm wondering if the holiday weekend in the beach town kept them away) and then to the beach. Feeling like a summertime girl again! Top off the jeep, ocean water feeling warm, and a ridiculously lite chick-lit book in my beach bag. (I even got a once over from a cute hottie about 15 years younger than me)

Summer's looking up.

One July Goal

I've been away for a while. A long while.

Whenever one of my regular bloggie friends whom I read takes a hiatus, I like to imagine that life is going swimmingly for them; that they are too busy having fun to stop and write about it on a computer, for crying out loud! I like to think that the opposite isn't true.

In my case, the opposite was true.

It's been a trying couple months, filled with court appearances and restraining orders and other such horrible things that you never wish to have in your life. It's been sucky. And it's not over yet. Far from it.

To think that just 3 months ago, I was bemoaning how boring my life was and how I needed to shake things up a bit. This is not what I meant.

When I started blogging, way back when, it was a way to find my way out from a different life crisis. (Which seems oh-so-quaint and manageable now) At the time it seemed much more pressing.

I had lost myself. I had no idea who I was anymore. I felt like I no longer had a voice. So I started this silly little blog to just write something...anything....until I found my voice and myself again.

Plus, I discovered that between blogging and marathon training, my insomnia went away and I felt like a person. (If you want to feel like anything, feeling like a person is a good start!)

In the past two months, insomnia has returned. Exercise and tri training has evaporated. I've been cranky as hell. My food choices are in the toilet. And I'm a caffeine addict again.

And now it's July. July 1st to be exact, which has always felt like more of the beginning of summer, up in New England. Especially with the rainy June we had this year. So maybe it can be a beginning of another sort.

Once again, I find myself at the keyboard, humble and just looking to say something...anything... to make me feel like a person again. To make me feel like me again.

I, the poster of goals, the maker of lists, the assigner of "days" to "themes" (Tuesday's bad dates, Thursday's bad cooking, Friday's wrap up, Monday's charity) have but one purpose this July: Just be here. Just write something. Just pull myself kicking back up from the depths, back to the surface where I can breathe.

'Cause if you can't breathe, you can't laugh.

And laughing is what makes you feel like less of a person and more of a goddess.

May Goals

And here we are in May. I haven't been around in bloggie world a lot in April. I've been a bit enamoured with paper journals and colorful pens. Something is just so soothing about your hand moving across the page and the feel of the paper beneath your fingers. Computers just don't have that tactile soothing quality.

Anyway, April was strange, just as March was. My little JeepGirl world is in upheaval and I'm just at the periphery of the problem. It's as if my entire existence now revolves around "being there". With a shoulder to cry on. A comforting word. Or a handful of chocolaty something. Sometimes that's the most important thing you can do.

Anyway, in light of that, a lot of my own goals took a back seat. Which is OK. I guess. Life is like that, sometimes.

April Goals:

1) Go Vegan for a month: I ended up going about 80/ 20. Feeling better overall. But I did learn that I need to pack more snacks for work. 11-12 hour work days followed by the gym requires lots of nourishment.

2) Read 4 books: This month I read Zero Regrets by Apolo Ohno (liked it a lot), The Alexander Technique (kind of a posture and body alignment theory thing. Work stuff) Dedication by Emma Mc Laughlin and Nicola Kraus (the authors behind The Nanny Diaries. I liked Dedication. It was very funny) and I'm half way through Power vs Force by David R Hawkins (It was given to me by an old coworker. I like some of the stuff, but some is quite out there. I'll let you know when I'm done). I'm thinking in the months to follow, I may choose my monthly books -- mind, body, spirit, and fun.

3) Continue Tri Training: This has been going, but quite sporadically. I have some great workouts under my belt. The mileage is going up. The strength training is consistent. But sometimes a brick workout has to take a back seat to being a good friend. So I'll finish the races. But I won't be fast.

4) Study and pass Kinesiotaping exam: Almost. I took the class, but due to a registration snafu, I'm waiting to get my exam registration details to take it on line. Next month.

5) File taxes. Done. What a pain that is.

6) Spring Cleaning with a major trip to the thrift store: Done. It's looking more clear in here.

7) Daily Journaling: 3/4 credit. I missed one week

8) Girl's Day Out: Success. We saw Water for Elephants at the movies. I thought it was pretty true to the book. I liked it. And I didn't find Robert Pattinson completely annoying the way I do in the Twilight films. So thumbs up.

9) Have a great Easter with the kids: success

10) Hang with Nerd: Fail. Sometimes a nerd takes a back seat to being a good friend, too.

And now its May. And the weather has FINALLY started to warm up! So its high time to

1) Do the winter/summer clothes switch. And get rid of stuff I don't wear.

2) Read 4 books -- mind body spirit fun

3) Send 4 snail mail letters. I'm still in the paper and pen state of mind.

4) Get summer race schedule set and summer fun schedule set, too!

5) Make 3 contacts at Abilities Expo

6) Get aerobars on the bike!

7) Brick workouts, brick workouts, brick workouts

8) Daily journaling in my paper journal :)

9) Have a great time at my nephew's birthday party

10) Finish half marathon in less than 2 hours.

I'm feeling so behind! In so many ways. Mostly with the whole one charity a week thing. When I last posted, I was on my way to the Caribbean and talked about donating to the Red Cross in reference to the earthquake in Haiti last year. Then, while I was on vacation, another earthquake hit in Japan. Followed by giant tsunami. And a problem with a nuclear power plant. Oh, those poor people! Can you imagine? And where the heck do you go to get away when you are on an island? So once again, the Red Cross it is, earmarked for Japan relief. Also, a while back, I had mentioned that I may have a chance to run the Boston Marathon for a charity event. Alas, I did not win out in that lottery. But one of my co-workers did. So I'm donating to her fund raising effort. Money goes to Spaulding Rehab for a patient fund. In other news, I've been doing the vegan thing for one week. A couple slip ups: I went out for mexican and my veggie burrito with salsa and guac only ended up with a little cheese in it. (I didn't send it back. I just ate it) Plus, I have a few protein bars left that have whey in them. I didn't throw them away, I ate a couple last week. But I'm one pound lighter than last week. So there's that. Finished book #1 yesterday. And taking the training up a notch. Yeah, I'm feeling like I'm back.

april goals

Since March threw me a curve ball, my goals were largely undone. Well, a couple got done. I did have a great vacation. I did read 4 books. And I did do (at least) 4 brick workouts. So there's that. And April , though we are already more than a week in, looks very promising. And spring is trying to creep its way in. There's that, too. April Goals: 1) Go Vegan for the month: I got a link sent to me about a 21 vegan kickstart challenge here. So I tried it. Thus far, its been going pretty well. The food is good, I'm using the crock pot again, and aside from a little excess gassiness (TMI?) no problem-o. We'll see where I am at the end of the month. 2) Read 4 more books: Last month, I completed Think Twice, Go Your Own Way, Lucy Sullivan is Getting Married, Networking for People who Hate Networking, and The Nanny Returns. I had a week's vacation. Lots of reading time. This month, I am into "Zero Regrets", a memoir by my celebrity boyfriend, Apolo Ohno. Lovin it! 3) Continue Tri Training with a vengence 4) Study for and pass Kinesiotaping exam! 5) Get my taxes all filed & shit. 6) Spring Cleaning with a major trip to the thrift store for donating! 7) Daily journaling 8) Girl's day out 9) Have a great family Easter with the kiddies 10) Hang with Nerd. (He got dropped from the forefront last month) And there you have it. I'll keep posting in all my sore-muscle, Apolo-obsessed, extra-gassy glory!

She's baaaack.

So I'm back. It's April 4th and I'm back. Not that I went away...I was still around, reading everyone else's blogs, occasionally posting a comment, and unsuccessfully trying to update the December quote on the side of my page. (Seriously Blogger! Why do you keep freezing up every time I try to change my page? WTF???) In real life, I've been doing a lot of thinking. A lot of soul searching. A little new apartment searching. But as of now, I'm staying put. Doing a lot of hand holding and lending my shoulder out to cry on. It's what friends do. When we can't do anything else. That was March. And now it's April. I decided on Friday, April 1st (when I was doing my "I'm stressed out and there's nothing I can do about it 3 1/2 hour workout") that I really need to turn the focus back to myself and start taking care again. There's only so many pints of ice cream three girls can share while watching chick flicks before it starts to take its toll, crazy long workouts or not. It goes without saying that March's goals pretty much went out the window. So now I'm making some new goals for April. ANd coming back to this place. To keep me on track. See y'all tomorrow