Yo Ho, Yo Ho

Today was the first time in I don't know how many years that I didn't have to put in crazy crazy hours the last day before vacation. Nothing like a sunny Friday afternoon in an outpatient clinic to deter the patients. Of course, since my student left, there is always the chance that my patients are just self discharging because they don't like ME.

Whatever. After today (April 18: take a deep sigh of relief day) I am off to the Carribean Yo Ho, Yo Ho, vacation time for me.

why you should always use post its

The following is a true story:

I had a little bit of extra time yesterday because I had a few cancellations. So I decided to get to the bottom of a mystery that had been plaguing me for the past few days: what had happened to the piece of equipment I had ordered for a patient 2 weeks ago. (He certainly wanted to know and had no problem calling me 5 or 6 times a day to find out.)

So I hopped on the phone and called the company I had ordered it from. They ran a tracking and reported that it had been delivered a week ago. So off to shipping and receiving I went to track it down. The shipping and receiving dept had no record of receiving this package and needed a P.O. number to track it. So back on the phone to the company. They reported to me there was no P.O. number. (for a reason that it is not worth getting into now) Back to shipping and receiving (they never pick up the phone, which explains all the running around) and he reports that items without a P.O. number are delivered to department supervisor's offices directly.

Back to the department to speak to my manager who assures me that she has never seen this package. Great. (the patient has called twice during this ordeal so far and I don't want to call him back until I have some sort of info)

Now I'm in a conundrum. This package is SOMEWHERE in the building, its just that nobody knows where. Now I send out a group email to everyone in the department asking if they have seen this box and if so, where.

I get two responses from the email, both of which essentially say the same thing: they saw 2 boxes sitting in the hallway outside the supervisor's office (she was off site that afternoon). Both people recalled hearing somebody say: "Those boxes shouldn't be sitting in the hallway. I'm going to move them somewhere safe." But neither person SAW who moved the boxes, as they were in rooms with doors closed at the time.

Then one of the responders says: "It could have been Nancy. It sounded like her." Of course, Nancy is off THIS week, so I can't ask her. I start asking around it anyone saw Nancy put a box somewhere last Wednesday. Somebody recalls seeing Nancy put 2 boxes in the vacant desk in the front office.

Out to the front office to the vacant desk. There are no boxes on this desk. I do find one box under the desk. It is not the box I want. (But I do see that this box was also delivered a week ago, so I take a detour to deliver this box to its recipient) Ok, back to the front office and I start asking around if anyone took a box off the vacant desk. Somebody remembers seeing Mary Ann take a box off the vacant desk last week. But of course, Mary Ann has left to go do some sort of errands. Which is ok, as I really have to go do some ACTUAL work now.

Later, when Mary Ann is back, I find her and ask her if she took a box off the vacant desk. Yes, she did, because somebody took her stool that she rests her feet on (since she has a ridiculously high chair to accommodate her ridiculously high desk.) She has been resting her feet on my box for a WEEK!

As luck would have it, somebody from housekeeping was walking by just as Mary Ann said that her stool is missing. She scoots off down the hall and pulls Mary Ann's stool out of the supply closet, which was put there last week by somebody trying to neaten up.

OK....Quiz time: what the hell is wrong with this picture????

Answer: A few carefully placed post it notes would have solved me untold time and aggrevation.

Communication people!! Just write it and post it!

Thank God I'm perfect.

April 16: April Go For A Walk Day

Much more rested than yesterday. I am getting geared up to go away: cleaning my apartment, tying up loose ends at work. Why is it that I always go on a giant cleaning spree before going away? I guess I don't want to come home to a mess, but its weird. Like the mess I live in on any given day is all of a sudden too messy to tolerate once I have been on vacation. You'd think that after a vacation, I would be better apt to tackle a cleaning spree.
Oh yeah, I forgot jet lag.

April 15: Moving on Day

So today was my student's last day of her affil. In January when she started, 15 weeks seemed like forever, and now it seems like it flew. It worked out perfectly, though, as the planned vacation with friends starts next week, after she is gone and I don't have to scramble to get coverage for my student.

I discharged 4 patients today, too. It was about time they moved on, as well.

Everyone is laughing at work, saying that I have to go back to work, instead of just watching the student do it all. It'll be a nice change, though, as I had so much more work to do at home with student assessment forms and such.

Three more days of work until vaca. My apartment is a disaster. I need to clean it before I go. If I just weren't so tired.... Oh well. Gotta move on.

April 13: Go out to eat day
April 14: Fall asleep at work day (I didn't, but I wish I could have)

Once upon a time, I believed that when it came to neices and nephews, I could just be the cool auntie. I could travel all over, bringing back exotic gifts, blast in wearing bohemian clothing, and basically get the kids all riled up before handing them back to their parents to take care of the hard stuff. 'Nary a word of disciline would ever fall from my lips; there would never be any rules when fun auntie was around.

Then I moved home and decided that I wanted to engage in cool auntie sleepovers.

Let me just say that unless I wanted to return the kids missing vital organs, impaled with sharp objects, or in anaphylactic shock, that whole "no rules no discipline" thing just wasn't going to cut it. In a mere 48 hours, we must have had at least 6 conversations about listening. And seriously, did we need to have a fist fight over who go the better sofa cushion? Apparently so.

My new hero is SuperNanny. She is a genius!

I ALWAYS GAIN WEIGHT BEFORE GOING TO THE BEACH BECAUSE I WANT A REALLY BIG TAN --some comdian from comedy central whose name escapes me

In exactly one week, I will be boarding a plane for a week long vacation in St. Martin with friends. Since I am a planner, I made sure that on April 1st, I ramped up my work out routine and started to be extra vigilant about my eating habits. I wanted to make sure I looked good on the beach. I'm not sure whom for; do I really need to impress my best friends and their husbands? But there's always the off-chance that the man of my dreams will be walking along a Carribean beach that very same week I am there. I need to be prepared!

A word about dieting and exercise...when you are consistent, they really do work. Unfortunately, WORKING doesn't always equal WORKING THE WAY YOU WANT THEM TO. In spite of what the infomercials tell you, you can't just draw out the blue print of your intended results and watch your body magically assume those proportions, no matter how consistent you are.

Ok, I understand that I should be greatful for the body I have been given. I know that. This year, I ran marathon and I am now training for an olympic distance triathalon. I plan on scuba diving on my vacation. I am able to work full time and I very rarely get sick. And at work, I independently lift people out of their wheelchairs who are twice my body weight. I have NOTHING to complain about!

But I'm going to anyway.

Wouldn't it be great if you could sit down with your body and have a chat about WHERE the weight should come off? For instance, I would very much like to rid myself of the chub-rub and the back-fat. (Not to mention the annoying habit of referring to perceived flaws by cutesy little rhyming names). I do not need for my ankles to be any thinner, thank you. They are starting to resemble misplaced wrists while my midsection remains virtually unchanged! So, body, let's get with the program. Focus on the abdomen! I am dangerously close to encircling my own ankle with thumb and forefinger and that ain't a good thing!

My other big complaint has to do with a phenomenon that up until recently, I smugly thought I was immune to. However, midway through year 37, I stepped out of the shower and caught its reflection in the mirror: cellulite! How the heck did that get there? It was never there before! And here's the crushing blow: working out does absolutely nothing to deter cellulite. In fact, it makes it stand out even more! At least when I had more subcutaneous adipose tissue around the thigh area, the cellulite just BLENDED IN. It was a pretty good camoflage. But now there is a lot less for the cellulite to hide behind. And as far as lifting weights? Well, all that increased muscle tone just pushes the cellulite closer to the surface, making it stand out even more in all its cottage cheesy glory!

Here's a frightening thought: what if my body listened and as the extra padding around the midsection melted off, I was left resplendent with cellulite of the abdomen!

Now, with only a week before my beach vacation, I have taken to a new line of thinking: all of the above is merely an optical illusion, brought on by my pasty, post-New-England-winter skin. All I really need is a tan! That is going to solve everything.

When I hit the beach, look out Captain-Jack-Sparrow-look-alike-with-better-teeth-and alcoholism-in-check: here I come!

Ok, so I haven't been keeping up with ANYTHING over the past week, except work and working out. No blogging, planning meals has been in the shitter, getting to bed at a decent hour hasn't happened at all. It almost seems counterproductive to even do a
WEEKLY UPDATE OF THE APRIL GOALS:

1) Lo Carb. Good thing I didn't sign on to do a documentary of my new eating habits for 30 days. Because its not really happening. I mean, I have been watching what I have been eating more, but I have noticed that I feel stuffed and bloated but still hungry if I try to stick to the lo carb. I did recieve a book I ordered in the mail this week, and interestingly enough, this is one of the topics they covered. Seems that there are many people out there who feel positively nauseated and sick when they try to go lo carb. (Not knocking the people who have had great success with it. Power to ya, peeps!) But I have taken a new approach, more by logging what I have been eating and seeing how I feel, how long it takes me to get hungry again after eating, and what my energy level is. It seems that if I go too far in either direction (too high a proportion of protein and fat or too high a proportion of carbs) I don't feel that great. So I am playing around with getting the proportions right. I guess that's really what its all about, anyway. On a good note, I look better!

2) Continuin with the theme of changing direction, since I cannot find "The Awakening" anywhere and I stupidly forgot to write down the author (and since google didn't shed any light on the matter) I have decided to read "Stumbling Upon Happiness". I once saw that book in the airport and it looked interesting, but I decided that "Bitter is the New Black" would be a better plane book. So I am smart on three accounts with my decisions here.

3) No new sheets yet. But since I am attempting to spend gift cards, I may have to go look at Macy's since I have Macy's gift card. Maybe I will do that tomorrow.

4) Scuba...St Marting one week away, gotta pack my scuba stuff.

5)Had the girls over last weekend. It was great and frustrating and fun and annoying and I love them to pieces.

6)All turbo taxed up, efiled and awaiting some refund money. I may have to get a shortie wetsuit with it.

7)I have successfully used one gift card. The Gap. Many more to go. I just wish the mall had better stuff to buy. Stuff stinks.

8) Finances, finances. I never understand finances. Which is why I probably avoid them so much.

9)No museum yet.

10) Stranger on the beach, here I come.

Plus, from this week:

April 8: Make someone feel good day.
April 9:Accept a compliment day.
April 10: Praise the weather day.
April 11: April Hostility Day (why are Fridays always so hard?)
April 12: Exercise just a little more day.

April 5: April Dance to the Music Day Changes up the monotony of things. It's a great cardiovascular workout and its great fun. Plus, you can do it with kids and videotape them for future bribes.

April 6: April Dress Inappropriately Day: this is actually a throwback to last weekend. You may want to try wearing flip flops and shorts in 40 degree weather. Or earmuffs to the beach. Or perhaps a see-through, low-cut, baby doll tank top to a toddler's birthday party. (no, it wasn't me. And yes, I'm sorry I was not there to witness it. I would have had the frame of mind to take pictures for future bribes)

April 7: April Clean Up Your Space Day: Things just got to cluttered at work. Eating lunch with one hand while organizing and wiping down a desk surface with the other is quite a talent!

It was pointed out to me today that there's a website www.123greatings.com that actually does all work for you and lets you know what OTHER people have decided the significance of the days are. However, today's selections are clearly at odds with mine (Let someone else clean day) and Wednesday's makes no sense to me (Astronauts Day). While astronaut is a mighty fine career and I'm sure that ALL the astronauts are probably much smarter than me, (with the exception of the psychologically imbalanced one who drove from Texas to Florida in an adult diaper to kill somebody. I just might be more intelligent, and definitely more stable than her) why does anyone who is NOT an astronaut care about astronaut's day?

Whereas "complain about the weather day", well, we can all participate in that one!

I'm going to go clean up my space, now.

April 4th...April Complain About the Weather Day. Rain rain rain. 5th Friday into Saturday in a row. I feel completely justified in my complaints. Mainly because everyone else was complaining to me today, too.

Otherwise, I finally finished the Dorothy Parker biography. How did it end? She died. Alone, broke, drunk, and bitter, but still funny as hell. Its a Greek tragedy in perfection. Now, in addition to her lovely quotes I see on bar walls, I am going to actually read a short story or two from this crazy, funny, ballsy lady.

Lo carb...got some tweaking today. I need a little flavor it my life, after all. But I have learned that peanut butter on celery is just as delicious and peanut butter on toast. Even though pnut butter is technically not allowed on lo carb. On the good side, the scale does seem to be edging down. I'm not convinced its because of lo carb, though. I think its just because I'm sticking to a plan and cutting out the junk. 15 days to beach vacation.

I talked to J today and laughingly said "I don't know who the hell I'm trying to impress. My best friends and their husbands?" But hey, maybe the man of my dreams will be in St Martin, strolling down the beach. I need to be prepared, damnit! Rock on!

April 3rd....April Overwhelmed Day. I think my whole change up the workout plan is backfiring. I'm exhausted. Plus the whole lo-carb thing, possibly leaving me with less energy?

I got into work and had 3 patients "just drop in" for issues and problems which I am happy to help them with. But I hadn't even taken off my jacket or put my lo-carb lunch in the fridge and I had like 75 minutes of extra work to complete today. Egad! (I think we should bring that saying back to mainstream vernacular. "E-Gad! My car has been vandalized!") The rest of the day followed suit. Fortunately, my last 2 patients cancelled, so I could get a bunch of stuff on my extra to-do list done.

Had no desire to swim. But did anyway. And now, I am exhausted, overwhelmed, and craving ice cream. And love-life nonexistent. E-GAD!!!

April 2...I have officially decided that if April 1 is April Fool's Day, then April 2 is April no-nonsense day. No particular reason. Just that I was not taking any guff from those pesky, whiny patients of mine today. Too bad if you are in pain! It's time to shake it off and get crack-a-lackin'! (Just kidding)

As far as me and my April goals go: once I decide to try the lo-carb thing, I get free lunch at work for 2 seperate meetings (mandatory). One watching, one presenting. So I HAD to eat them. At least I have been good at home. But seriously, Dr. Agatston, ricotta cheese with splenda and vanilla extract? What the hell kind of atrocity is that? Clearly the entire purpose of the South Beach Diet is to make the entire idea of food so grotesque and perverse that nobody wants anything to do with it. Hey, as long as I look good in a bathing suit in 3 weeks.

Ok, back to my financial musings from last month...I was doing a lot of reading of the financial articles from both regular and mula-based magazines, tracking my spending (of which was supposed to be nearly none in March), organizing my 401k, checking, savings, and all that jazz, and I finally reached the conclusion that I am in ok shape. I don't need to live a life of bread and water, wear Wal-Mart clothing, and agonize over any purchase I want to make (though I sort of knew that already).

I read some article about people who wanted to retire at age 40 and (sort of) were able to do it, but at that time had NO money for college for their 3 kids. (fend for yourself, junior, it was much more important for Mommy and Daddy to get good tans in their 40's) Plus, they had basically survived off of Ramen noodles and second hand clothing for the past 20 years. I do not want to live that way!! As far as those two were concerned (they spoke of wondering what they were going to do with all their free time now) Here's a thought: why not get a part time JOB and put some money away for your kid's college fund? Or maybe invest in a nice new sweater or go on a vacation? Come on, there is much more to life that obsessing over money.

Being responsible and being obsessive are two completely different things. And while I fully support obsessions with say, exercise or world travel, obsessing over pennies is just a waste of time. Its April 2 and I'm telling it the way I see it, no nonsense!

APRIL

I can't believe its April already! Lots to do, lots of plans, lots of commitments already in place for April. That's the way I like it, though. A rolling stone gathers no love handles and all that. And that saying about April showers...well, I expect flowers springing up at my feet come May, after driving home in with zero visability tonite.

After my lackluster performance in March, it's time to step things up a bit. Especially since I have beach vacation in 19 days!!

So.....
1) For thirty days...I will stick with an eating plan. I'm working out, I may as well start eating better, as well, since I lost a grand total of 3 pounds since January, and that's with running a marathon. As much as every fiber of my being cries out against it, I am going to try the lo carb thing. South Beach, though, not that Atkins nonsense. Not sure if I can keep it up...I read the phase one and it seems a little heavy on the tomatoes and eggs. I may start getting heart burn. But regardless, I need to take control of what I eat...for 30 days.
2) I will read "The Awakening". Again, no clue what its about. Soon to find out.
3) I will purchase....nice sheets. I have these old, cruddy sheets that are about 12 years old. They are getting rather threadbare. And when I visited Myron, he was bragging about his 12 million threadcount sheets. I will show him!
4)I'm going to go scuba diving. Not completely new, but something I haven't done in years.
5)I am going to have a girls nite... with my neices! A sleepover with a 6 and 9 year old. Fun.
6)Get my taxes filed.
7)I am going to use my gift cards. I saw on CNN.com that Best Buy is no longer accepting their own gift cards. So I figure I better use mine before I end up in the same boat as the poor saps with Best Buy cards.
8) Continue with March's goal of getting the finances completely in order, hopefully to finish this month.
9)Do the museum thing from March, too.
anything else? Oh, yeah, I gotta do an outing. Since I am going away, I will
10) talk to a cute stranger on the beach. (giving myself an out if I am surrounded by scary people)

April Rules!