I ALWAYS GAIN WEIGHT BEFORE GOING TO THE BEACH BECAUSE I WANT A REALLY BIG TAN --some comdian from comedy central whose name escapes me

In exactly one week, I will be boarding a plane for a week long vacation in St. Martin with friends. Since I am a planner, I made sure that on April 1st, I ramped up my work out routine and started to be extra vigilant about my eating habits. I wanted to make sure I looked good on the beach. I'm not sure whom for; do I really need to impress my best friends and their husbands? But there's always the off-chance that the man of my dreams will be walking along a Carribean beach that very same week I am there. I need to be prepared!

A word about dieting and exercise...when you are consistent, they really do work. Unfortunately, WORKING doesn't always equal WORKING THE WAY YOU WANT THEM TO. In spite of what the infomercials tell you, you can't just draw out the blue print of your intended results and watch your body magically assume those proportions, no matter how consistent you are.

Ok, I understand that I should be greatful for the body I have been given. I know that. This year, I ran marathon and I am now training for an olympic distance triathalon. I plan on scuba diving on my vacation. I am able to work full time and I very rarely get sick. And at work, I independently lift people out of their wheelchairs who are twice my body weight. I have NOTHING to complain about!

But I'm going to anyway.

Wouldn't it be great if you could sit down with your body and have a chat about WHERE the weight should come off? For instance, I would very much like to rid myself of the chub-rub and the back-fat. (Not to mention the annoying habit of referring to perceived flaws by cutesy little rhyming names). I do not need for my ankles to be any thinner, thank you. They are starting to resemble misplaced wrists while my midsection remains virtually unchanged! So, body, let's get with the program. Focus on the abdomen! I am dangerously close to encircling my own ankle with thumb and forefinger and that ain't a good thing!

My other big complaint has to do with a phenomenon that up until recently, I smugly thought I was immune to. However, midway through year 37, I stepped out of the shower and caught its reflection in the mirror: cellulite! How the heck did that get there? It was never there before! And here's the crushing blow: working out does absolutely nothing to deter cellulite. In fact, it makes it stand out even more! At least when I had more subcutaneous adipose tissue around the thigh area, the cellulite just BLENDED IN. It was a pretty good camoflage. But now there is a lot less for the cellulite to hide behind. And as far as lifting weights? Well, all that increased muscle tone just pushes the cellulite closer to the surface, making it stand out even more in all its cottage cheesy glory!

Here's a frightening thought: what if my body listened and as the extra padding around the midsection melted off, I was left resplendent with cellulite of the abdomen!

Now, with only a week before my beach vacation, I have taken to a new line of thinking: all of the above is merely an optical illusion, brought on by my pasty, post-New-England-winter skin. All I really need is a tan! That is going to solve everything.

When I hit the beach, look out Captain-Jack-Sparrow-look-alike-with-better-teeth-and alcoholism-in-check: here I come!