Tuesday, August 12, 2008

insomnia again

It's starting again. The sleeplessness. The racing mind. The late night/early morning pacing, pacing, pacing. Its exactly 11 steps from one end of my studio/loft apartment to the other. I'm hoping that its just a small glitch in my system...the weather turned autumn-y a couple days ago and sometimes I go through a few days of sleeplessness when the weather changes. I hope it's not the start of another bout of what I had last year.

Always, late at night when I can't sleep, I think of M. Its 12:52 here. It'd be 9:52 where he is. Eight minutes until the end of his shift. If he's still working the same shift, that is. His last (kind of mean) email all those months ago indicated that his shift had changed somewhat.

No matter what time it was, I could always call M if I was up. I always knew he'd answer. He was a night owl that way. Though sometimes it would drive me batty how late he'd sleep in the morning ("Come ON! You said you wanted to go out to breakfast today and we won't make it there before lunch!") it was somewhat comforting to know I always had somebody to talk to at night.

Of course, last year, I could not have talked to him about what was keeping me awake at night. It was him. Or the absence of him. And the presence of his ghost. The ghost of what could have been, or what should have been, or what I had always thought would be. But now was never going to be. I paced for hours over that.

This year, it's more complicated, the reason for my insomnia. (Assuming of course that the weather isn't the culprit. Please, please, please be the weather. I'll be back to a normal circadean rhythm in a few days!) I have a sort of free floating anxiety. I want to be here, but I don't want to be here. I love my family and friends but I don't fit in. I know they have the best intentions, but they are not helping. I don't need to be convinced that marriage is great and parenthood is rewarding. I understand that. But I'm not married, and I don't have kids. I didn't plan it. That's just the way it happened. It's not like I did't get the "babies are cute" memo and I need a rundown on its contents to get me back on track.

So again, here I am, pacing. Unable to talk to somebody about what keeps me up at night. Thinking of M, and wondering where I fit into the picture. And what am I going to do next?

I'm still holding out for the weather thing. 'Cause otherwise I may have to take up ultra-marathons to get back to sleep again.

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