Tuesday, January 20, 2009

tuesday's bad dates (Adam, part II)

So today we start anew with new hope. Hope for a turn-around in the way things are going in this country. And hope for an end to horrible dates like the one I had with Adam.

After Adam asked me out seemingly out of left field, there was the question of what to do. It was late September and since I live in New England, late September always starts a vague sense of panic in my gut. Only so many more nice days before the cold weather sets in! Gotta take advantage of every last second of warmth!

So we agreed upon what, to me, is a perfect date idea: kayaking. (The very fact that kayaking is a perfect date to me may explain why I am so bad at dating) There's a nearby state park that offers kayak rentals and it's located near a nice breakfast place. SO the plan was to meet for breakfast and then go to the park for kayaking. Excellent!

Of course, that Saturday dawned on a rainy, windy day. It wasn't POURING, but it was pretty steady. It wasn't BLUSTERY, but there was a steady breeze. Not ideal for a day outdoors, but definitely do-able. I gathered my outdoor gear and a rain jacket and headed out the door.

I pulled into the restaurant at 9:30 on the dot, just as we agreed upon. Inside, I found Adam, dressed in slacks, a sweater, and dress shoes. He looked at me, looked at his watch, and told me that I was "Almost late."

"Almost late!", I said, "That's also known as on time!"

He didn't laugh.

"So," he said, "In light of the weather, what do you want to do?"

"I bought rain gear!" I replied. "I have a rain coat for me and one for you, too. But if you don't want to spend the day outside in the rain, I will totally understand."

"I hope you don't mind, but I really don't want to kayak in the rain."

"That's okay," I said, "Let's get some food and figure out what to do from there."

We got a table and some menus and he looked at my kayaking clothes. "You could have dressed a little nicer. This is a date. Aren't you supposed to be trying to impress me?"

I was incredulous. "Um, we were supposed to go KAYAKING! That's what I dressed for. And no, I don't think I'm supposed to be trying to IMPRESS you. I think we're supposed to be getting to know each other."

"Well, I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on that one."

At this point, we have just gotten glasses of ice water and he has managed to insult me no fewer than 3 times. This was not looking good. I busied myself studying the menu.

After we ordered, he proceeded to tell me that I shouldn't be eating french toast or I'd lose my "cute figure." Now he's complimenting me and insulting me at the same time!

I managed to steer the conversation around to work (he was a landscaper), family (he had two sisters), and what we did last week (it was his birthday).

"Oh!" I said. "Happy birthday! And it was a big birthday for you! Did you have a big party or go out on the town?"

"No" he said, "just a quiet dinner with the family. Why was it a big birthday?"

"Because you turned 40."

"No I didn't."

"Um....yes, you did."

"No I didn't."

"You told me you were 39. Which would make that your 40th birthday."

"I'm not 39. Do I look 39?"

"No" I said, "You don't."

"Do I look older or younger?"

"Actually you look older." (Didn't we already have this conversation like, a week ago?)

"Then why did you think I was 39?"

"Because you TOLD me you were 39."

"No I didn't."

"Yes, Adam, you DID. Why would I assume you were 39 when I already told you you don't look 39."

"I don't know."

"I do: because you told me you were 39. You asked me how old I was and I said 37. Then you told me that you were 39."

"Why would I tell you that?"

"I have no idea!"

"Well I'm not 39. I'm 48."

"Yeah?" I said, "You look 48."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

(Is this the freaking twilight zone? We already had this conversation. A week ago!)

"It isn't a good thing or a bad thing. It's just -- you know what? It's a good thing. You're 48 and you look 48. Good for you. Congratulations. Happy Birthday."

Then he asks: "So have you thought of what you want to do after we eat?"

"You know," I said, "Let's just call it a day. I don't think this is going to go anywhere."

"Really?" he asks "I'm having a really good time. I like talking to you. I thought you were enjoying yourself, too."



Diane said...

First, if you were a guy, I'd date you. I think kayaking sounds like a perfect date, too... and in the rain? Cool.

Second, what an ass. I love the 'I had a great time!' dates and you wonder 'were we ON the same date?!'

tutugirl1345 said...

Wow. What a shady jerk. I'm impressed you lasted through the meal!

the gazelle said...

almost late IS on time. What an ass! I might've left right then. :) I'm glad you stuck it out, though - for my sake.

spleeness said...

Priceless, lmao. I hope you collect these for an upcoming book. Good thing you can recognize @$$hat behavior up front. Can you imagine what he'd be like when he *wasn't* on his "best" behavior?

Daniel said...

Damn, what an a-hole. Kayaking as a first date? Awesome! I think you should discard any date that won't do it. Dressing up for dates is for Adam. Kayaking is for you, and everyone you'd have a chance with.

Heather said...

Ha! What a pyscho. I don't know if I would've made it through breakfast. I might have left after the first two insults.
And I think kayaking in the rain sound fun. He's a loser.

Heather's M said...

He sounds like he's full of himself.(a.k.a. VAIN)
Good for you for not giving him the rest of the day.