Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Tuesday's Bad Dates: Movies

I was driving to work yesterday and they were talking about "the top 10 things that women like to do on first dates". It was great for a chuckle. Number ten was "go to the movies." Now I like a good movie as much as the next person. But for a first date, it's just a bad idea. At best, you sit next to each other, not talking for two hours and stare at a screen. (then again, maybe you DON'T want to get to know each other) At worst...you end up in Jeepgirl Date Land!

Any of the following may actually happen to you:

1) You fall asleep during the movie
That happened on my first date with my very first real boyfriend! It wasn't even a boring movie -- it was Lethal Weapon! But I had a long day and I just couldn't keep my eyes open. Fortunately, it didn't dampen things too much (I did say he was my first real boyfriend) But I can't guarantee that other guys wouldn't be offended by snoring on the first date.

2) You go to a BAD first date movie
I once on a first date and we saw "South Park, the Movie". Um, yeah. That's really a rental for a whole bunch of your close friends with pizza and lots of alcohol. Not for a first date. Especially when the level of discomfort is multiplied exponentially by the number of seven and eight year olds in the audience whose parents don't seem to find penis jokes inappropriate for third graders.

3) Maybe it's not the movie, it's just your different tastes
This wasn't a FIRST date...though it was a last date. We went to see "Mystery Men". The theater was about 3/4 full. NOBODY in the entire theater was laughing. Except me. And one other guy about three rows ahead. And we weren't just laughing. We were laughing-so-hard-we-were-crying, stomach-ache, gasping-for-breath laughing. Just two people. One of which was not my date. On an up note, I did go back to see this movie again in order to catch all the jokes I missed from laughing too hard; I went with the other laughing guy. He lived in my building. Oh....and put "Mystery Men" on your Netflix queue. So if you know what I was laughing at.

4) Sometimes you are in a chatty mood
You know how when you watch movies with your friends at home you come up with the FUNNIEST things to yell at the TV? Ever do it in a movie theater? I have on occasion. Sometimes the crowd isn't very receptive. So I shut up. But other times, everyone else just joins in on the fun and it's like a party.

I was in the midst of such a receptive crowd on one first date when we went to see "The Matrix". Unfortunately, my date wasn't all that receptive. But I'm sorry -- when you ask the whole theater "How come in the future, people always wear black trench coats and sunglasses?" and you get at least 8 responses "To protect against the nuclear fallout", "Sunscreen shortage", "Black is timeless, and always slimming" -- that's just pure family fun! And c'mon! Nobody can keep quiet when Keanu Reeves says "Whoa!"

5) Sometimes the movie crushes your spirit
I was seeing "The Truth About Cats and Dogs" with my boyfriend and I said "I think I'm taller than Janeane Garafolo." He said "No, I'm pretty sure you're not."

But as the movie went on and I saw her standing next to Uma Thurman and whoever that guy with the British accent was, I KNEW. She's about 4'10". Look at her! I'm WAY taller than her. I said as much.

Until that one scene where she said she gain 40 pound in college, but what's worse is she's 5'1".

"DAMN IT!" I screamed at the screen as my boyfriend smiled smugly over at me.

Stupid Janeane Garafolo!

Movies suck.


Heather said...

Haha... I would LOVE to be in a theater with you shouting random things at the screen. That's hilarious. The guys you date need to loosen up some :)

Carolina John said...

i saw mystery men in the theater too. and i laughed my ass off. awesome! pee wee was hilarious!

but movies are horrible first dates. especially lethal weapon.

Anonymous said...

haha, this was awesome! I have to check out mystery men now. I was hoping you'd meet up w/the only other guy who laughed at it!