Sunday, September 27, 2009

too much

One of the great consistencies in my life is this: I take on too much. If I start working in a clinic that barely has enough patients for one person, I set about building a patient load and before long, there is enough work for three or more people. If I go to a bookstore or library, I bring home more books than I could ever read in a reasonable amount of time. If I have any stretch of time that sprawls out before me empty, before long I have more projects and events than can possibly fit. And of course I set a ridiculous amount of goals.

Lately, I have been feeling like my life is a treadmill, set one notch too fast. I can go comfortably along if I just keep running until I just can't keep up the pace. Then I do a strange little hop-jump-run maneuver to propel myself forward just enough to resume the running speed. Until I can't keep up the pace. And so on.

I'm not sure why I do this to myself. I think that maybe I have a missing gene or something. "The contentment gene." I can never be content with where I am now. I am forever focused on where I am moving toward, what I am striving for, who I want to become. Or maybe that is where my contentment comes from -- the journey.

This past weekend, I had this overwhelming sense of nostalgia. I felt the way I did when I was in college. So many classes, assignments, events, work shifts. So little time. Also...the sense of impermanence. The "this is where I need to be right now to get ahead in my life, but this is not where I will be forever" feeling. The "real life begins after I get this done" feeling.

Possibly, this whole nostalgia is really from two Friday night phone conversations: one with Nerd and one with No-Potential P, both of whom have returned to grad school and were feeling a bit lame because their Friday nights were spent reading textbooks. Or possibly because the informal college reunion at the Big E I had been trying to organize with friends officially imploded. But whatever the cause, the sense of urgency and importance that I always associate with my college years surrounded me all weekend.

Finding balance. Finding contentment. Deciding what need to continue and what I can let go. Maybe that's what living in "the real world is all about." I understand that.

But still I keep juggling plates.


Carolina John said...

balance is the key to everything, girl. balanced training is why we run tri's. balanced eating keeps us healthy and happy. work/life balance keeps us going. get balanced!

Anonymous said...

Uh, I hate when the nostalgia thing comes on. Seems to happen on a regular basis for me. That should probably tell me something, but I'm trying not to think about it...

The Singlutionary said...

I always take on too much of everything too. Its a big goal of mine to slow down and learn what a reasonable portion is: with food, with reading, with work, with projects, etc.

Sometimes I feel like there was this golden era where everything went faster and I was able to accomplish a massive amount of things.