Lost and Loving It

Still plugging away at the magazine basket, I skimmed through and gave away 5 more magazines. Someday I'll see the bottom of that basket.

In the spirit of following through on goals, I stopped by MamaKat's blog for the weekly writing prompt. But in the spirit of rebellion and individuality, (as well as the spirit of cleaning and purging) I decided instead to return to a prompt from a few weeks ago, that has been hanging around my head like an over-full magazine basket. That prompt read: Lost? Why?

One of my favorite all time quotes is by JRR TOLKIEN: "Not all who wander are lost". When I first read this quote, sometime in my teens, I felt like I had found a kindred soul. The quote seemed to speak to me and me alone. I mean, all teenagers feel that way to some extent, but I'm not sure if we all share that intense wanderlust. Literal wanderlust and figurative wanderlust. I wanted not only to explore places I had never been, but I wanted to explore a different sort of life that I was unfamiliar with.

I guess that quote reminded other people of me, as well. I now own 2 T-shirts, a rubber Lance Armstrong-type bracelet, a beaded necklace, and a wall plaque with this quote written on it. All were gifts to me.

The strange thing about my life is that the times when I seem most "lost" are when I am happiest and most at peace. The times that I seem most settled are the times when I am utterly lost.

The past two years have been strange for me. I moved back home after 10 years of traveling around the country solo. I took a gamble in doing so, as I left somebody behind in California. We had been together for almost 6 years. I was so sure that he would follow.

We'd talk on the phone and discuss plans for him to move out. We'd talk about getting a place together. We'd talk about alternate places to settle if New England did not agree with him. We'd plan long weekends where we'd meet in a central location to reconnect. He'd always find an excuse to cancel.

I didn't see it at the time, but somewhere in all the talking about "we" I ended up losing "me". And then I lost "we", too. Then I was really lost.

I don't remember being that lost at any time during the previous 10 years when I was driving aimlessly around the United States.

Over the last year, I ended up finding myself again, but only when I stopped looking. Only when I stopped questioning and searching and just took to running and riding and more or less getting lost in nature.

Now here I sit, once again lost and happy. I have no idea which direction my life is going in. I have no idea where I will be living in 2 years. I am in a strange relationship that is not quite friendship and not quite dating. I have no idea if there's potential for it to be anything more. I am utterly and ridiculously happy.

Not all who are lost want to be found.