Thursday, October 16, 2008

Lost and Loving It

Still plugging away at the magazine basket, I skimmed through and gave away 5 more magazines. Someday I'll see the bottom of that basket.

In the spirit of following through on goals, I stopped by MamaKat's blog for the weekly writing prompt. But in the spirit of rebellion and individuality, (as well as the spirit of cleaning and purging) I decided instead to return to a prompt from a few weeks ago, that has been hanging around my head like an over-full magazine basket. That prompt read: Lost? Why?

One of my favorite all time quotes is by JRR TOLKIEN: "Not all who wander are lost". When I first read this quote, sometime in my teens, I felt like I had found a kindred soul. The quote seemed to speak to me and me alone. I mean, all teenagers feel that way to some extent, but I'm not sure if we all share that intense wanderlust. Literal wanderlust and figurative wanderlust. I wanted not only to explore places I had never been, but I wanted to explore a different sort of life that I was unfamiliar with.

I guess that quote reminded other people of me, as well. I now own 2 T-shirts, a rubber Lance Armstrong-type bracelet, a beaded necklace, and a wall plaque with this quote written on it. All were gifts to me.

The strange thing about my life is that the times when I seem most "lost" are when I am happiest and most at peace. The times that I seem most settled are the times when I am utterly lost.

The past two years have been strange for me. I moved back home after 10 years of traveling around the country solo. I took a gamble in doing so, as I left somebody behind in California. We had been together for almost 6 years. I was so sure that he would follow.

We'd talk on the phone and discuss plans for him to move out. We'd talk about getting a place together. We'd talk about alternate places to settle if New England did not agree with him. We'd plan long weekends where we'd meet in a central location to reconnect. He'd always find an excuse to cancel.

I didn't see it at the time, but somewhere in all the talking about "we" I ended up losing "me". And then I lost "we", too. Then I was really lost.

I don't remember being that lost at any time during the previous 10 years when I was driving aimlessly around the United States.

Over the last year, I ended up finding myself again, but only when I stopped looking. Only when I stopped questioning and searching and just took to running and riding and more or less getting lost in nature.

Now here I sit, once again lost and happy. I have no idea which direction my life is going in. I have no idea where I will be living in 2 years. I am in a strange relationship that is not quite friendship and not quite dating. I have no idea if there's potential for it to be anything more. I am utterly and ridiculously happy.

Not all who are lost want to be found.

8 comments:

Mrs.D said...

Very profound.

Enjoy your "lostness", and the excitement of not knowing what may be around the next bend. Once you are unlost, life gets a bit dull. Well, compared to being lost, anyway.

Jenni said...

While I appreciate your situation and the eloquence with which you wrote it, I think I am the opposite. I often get bored and want excitement and adventure and then when I get it I wish I had the stability of predictibility. My mom calls it the comfort of a semi-rut.

Diane said...

I love this post. I lost me and then we, too. Losing we, however, was a good thing (a necessary thing)... losing me, not so good... and much more difficult to find. I'm still finding me. Thanks for sharing this.

PS... I have an 'All who wander...' tshirt, too :)

Diane said...

Hey... go to my blog... I tagged you for a meme... sorry if you hate them (I know they're a bit of a pain)

Lacey in the Sky said...

Ah! I just wrote about feeling very similar.(and I also lost me, then we, then found me again) I don't know what's about to happen for me, and I'm totally grinning over it. I'm about to use a Sex and the City quote that you're just going to have to forgive me for(lol, it just seems wrong following your beautifully written post) but you just made me think of it, so I'm sharing!(see, this is all your fault) :)

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free, until they find someone just as wild to run with"

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

Bravo...love the post.

Mama's Losin' It said...

Great post!! Very thought provoking. I've actually never heard that quote and now I love it too. It seems to fit your life perfectly.

spleen said...

Hey thanks for posting this. I am lost too, right now, and it's nice to know that A. I'm not alone, B. sometimes the indefinable journey itself is what to concentrate on...