TEN BIG FEARS

today, I took the big bag of donated clothes to the Goodwill on the way to the gym this morning. How lucky am I that my gym is exactly halfway between home and work and thr Goodwill is across the street from the gym?

So, today I am back on the bandwagon and doing my homework from MamaKat after playing hookey for a week. The assignment is to list 10 of your fears.

1) I am afraid of cockroaches. It's completely irrational. I am about 10,000 times the size of a cockroach. What could a cockroach possibly do to me? I'll tell you what: it could crawl in my ear and puncture my eardrum. It could climb all over my toothbrush. It could slip into my sofa and lay eggs for hundreds of little cockroaches to come climbing out. When I lived in Savannah, Georgia (the cockroach capital of the east coast) I was a basket case. I'd come home, drunk as hell, and see a cockroach on the floor. I'd be frozen, unable to walk past the cockroach for fear of...I dunno what. And then---one night---I learned what! A cockroach that was crawling on the ceiling fell off and landed on my head! I still haven't fully recovered.

2) I am afraid of drowning. Which is really strange, as I go scuba diving and swim in the ocean all the time. I cannot go out on a boat without jumping off of it and swimming around. (well, a small boat) However, when I went to see "The Perfect Storm", I had to leave because I got so freaked out. I couldn't see "Open Water" and get slightly ill even thinking of it. The other night, J was watching "Hannibal Rising" and there was a really gruesome drowning scene. I had nightmares. Maybe I'm afraid of drowing in a movie?

3) I'm afraid of being boring. This may, in fact, be my greatest fear of all. I think about my life and there is so much I want to do! I'm afraid I won't do it all. I'm afraid I'll be a home-body and just watch life go by from the comfort of my sofa. Which is perfectly fine, if that's what you want. But that thought makes me feel like I'm drowning. Which scares me (see #2).

4) I'm afraid of the Orange Glow guy. What's up with him? Why does he yell so much? Why does he sell every product imaginable from cleaners to hooks to putty? If I refuse to buy his products will he come to my house and beat me up? It sure seems that way. Is there any way to stop that guy? I don't think there is.

5)I'm afraid of getting a progressive neuromuscular disease. I work with people every day who have MS and ALS and Parkinson's and Dementia. It sucks. None of these ailments run in my family. Diabetes runs in my family, but that is a lot more manageable. I watch what I eat and I exercise and I take cinnamon extract tablets, which Dr. Andrew Weil has said helps to prevent diabetes. The neuromuscular diseases are a whole other ball of wax. They scratch at the back of my brain like a scary little tickle.

6) I'm afraid of getting attacked by a bear. I love to hike. I spend a lot of time in the wilderness. That's where bears live. They are very strong. Have you ever seen what one of those guys can do to a car? Just imagine what he could do to me! Scary!

7) I am afraid of those Thomas the Train cartoons. The toys are fine. The cartoons are creepy. Its super bad animation with big bulging eyes and questionable subject matter. Whose idea was it to make a kids show about train disasters, anyway? Were these shows found in a box of rejected BBC ideas from the 1950's? It sure seems that way. I'm kind of scared that kids love em so much.

8) I'm afraid of running into my ex, M. It's fairly unlikely. I live 3000 miles away. But every year we all meet back in San Francisco for the Bay to Breakers. We build the float in Palo Alto. These are two places where running into him is quite likely. And we like the same music, bars, restaurants. There is a small, but very real chance I may run into him one of these times. And even though I'm in a good place right now and don't even think of him hardly at all, I'm not sure how I'd react if I saw him. Or how he'd react. Do I sound like I'm 14? I sort of feel like it.

9) I'm afraid of accidently saying something to one of my friends that insults them to the point where they never speak to me again. I'm not sure why I have that fear. It's not like I say insulting things all the time. I'm much more of a clam up and stuff it all down kind of gal. Then I just go for a run and let it all out through the bottom of my feet. Plus, I have the kind of friends who would maybe be upset for a while, and then would talk to me: "What you said really hurt my feelings, but I'm over it and I'm glad you're my friend and I love you". Something to that effect. The chances of this happening is very remote. But if it did happen...I'd be crushed. It'd be the worst. I don't know what I'd ever do.

10) and right now...I'm afraid I like Nerd more than he likes me, and I'm making something out of nothing, and I'm bugging him, and he's trying to think of a way to gently get rid of me without hurting my feelings. Even though HE was the initiator in this little thing we got. And he says super sweet things to me. And he wants to introduce me to his coworkers. And blah, blah, blah. He's much younger than me. I'm allowed to be insecure every now and then.

And there you have it, my own little house of horrors.