Friday, November 5, 2010

Feeling Old

I think today was custom designed just to make me feel old.

Today, I went to get a mammogram. I've never had one, but since I've turned 40, I figured I should go get one.

The ironic thing is: I was one of those people who was irate when insurance companies decided that the recommended 1st mammogram at 35 was unnecessary and they wouldn't pay for one until age 40. I was equally irate at that stupid panel this spring who concluded that women shouldn't do monthly breast exams or get mammograms until age 50 because the false positives caused more pain and anxiety than could be offset by the detection of true positives. You know, because the pain and anxiety of being asked to come back for more testing and then being told there is nothing wrong is right on par with dying! It ticks me right off that preventative diagnostic exams are valued so little by our insurance companies.

And then I go and conveniently "forget" to get a mammogram until I'm almost 41.

Of course, part of it was because I was petrified of the procedure. My friend, Isabella, told me in WAY too much detail why getting a mammogram was "the most painful thing she had ever experienced in her life."

For me, not so much. The entire procedure took ---I kid you not -- less than 5 minutes. I was like "That's it?" Then I looked at the rest of my afternoon, which I thought would be taken up by a long arduous procedure followed by curling up in fetal position in pain, and decided to go get a nice sandwich.

Maybe Isabella is just more sensitive than me. And I'll say it wasn't COMFORTABLE, but it was far from painful. I've had overzealous boyfriend inflict more pain on the girls. ( at which point I had to smack them upside the head and say "Hey buddy! Those are attached! Jerk.")

Anyway, I returned home, feeling pretty proud of my maturity for getting that old-lady medical test out of the way like a responsible adult. And found that an interesting catalog had arrived in the mail.

It was called: "As We Change." I repeat...the AS WE CHANGE catalog arrived in the mail today with my name on it! Chock full of lovely items like wrinkle cream, hair touch up cream, bunion pads, and glasses that flipped down one eye piece at a time so that you can apply eye make up whilst still seeing yourself in the mirror. There was a lovely 3 page spread of "resort wear": swim dresses, mu-mu's, wide brimmed hats, and sandals that look like they were custom made for the customers who buy the bunion pads. And my personal favorite item: arm girdles. Yes, indeedy, lycra sleeves to be worn under your clothing to tame the bat wings. Ever hear of a gym, ladies? Some nice tricep extensions twice a week may work nicely on those bat wings.

Exactly WHAT did I order in my life that put me on the list to get this catalog? And what kind of sick joke is the universe playing on me that it arrived on the very day that I got my old person diagnostic test on the ta-ta's?

I spent the evening drinking with my friends.

Today I am grateful for:

1) alcohol
2) good friends you can dissect the AS WE CHANGE catalog with and laugh
3) the lovely leaf colors in the fall
4) ice cream
5) the awesome new book I started today

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

What? No mammograms until 50? That's beyond ridiculous. My step uncle's wife just died from breast cancer and she was only 46.

I think 40 is perfect.
Maybe earlier if there is a history of it in your family, you know?

Insurance companies are kind of evil... it's depressing.